Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Worst Jack and Coke You Ever Had!

Srsly. It's bad. Good, but also bad.

Sounds appealing, doesn’t it?

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. We had an … interesting customer show up a week or so ago at the bar who inspired this cocktail. You get all types at a bar, and sometimes dealing with the “characters” inspires some stories. This one’s bitter, complex, and very very strong. It might not be the drink we want, but it’s definitely the drink we need. Let’s make The Worst Jack and Coke you’ve Ever Had. Here’s the recipe.

The Worst Jack and Coke You’ve Ever Had

4-6 oz Moxie soda

1 1/2 oz Old Grand-Dad Straight Bourbon

½ oz Amaretto

6-8 shakes Angostura Bitters

Lime wedge

Add all ingredients to a large old-fashioned glass with ice. Squeeze a lime wedge over the cocktail. Stir. Drink.

Hemingway’s isn’t a dive bar by any stretch of the imagination, but it is one of the few dedicated bars in downtown Medina, Ohio. And it’s open later than most of the places off the town square. We’ve had a few women drag their Tinder dates down into our basement speakeasy. Sometimes the course of true love runs smooth. Sometimes it doesn’t.

A few weeks ago, a fellow with “TATER” tattooed across his face showed up at the bar with a date. He insisted on taking a photo of himself with one of our female bartenders. She declined. He got upset. Our floor manager handled the situation like a pro, but it was a little tense for a while. Eventually, he stormed out. Instead of tipping, he wrote “WORST JACK AND COKE I’VE EVER HAD” across his bill. We’re probably going to have T-shirts with that slogan printed up at some point. It’s a fantastic motto for the bar.

I decided to take the whole sorry incident and use it as inspiration. I wanted to write The Worst Jack and Coke You’ve Ever Had — a bourbon and cola that a bartender would like, full of complex and bitter flavors, the sort of thing a mixologist would savor. It was also important to keep it simple and use dive bar ingredients. And strong. It needed to be very, very strong. I’ve been reading the news all week like the rest of you. The need for strong drink is urgent.

Moxie was immediately my first choice for the soda in this flavor bomb. The official state soda of Maine is an acquired taste at best — sort of like root beer, but with a long, lingering bitter finish. That bitterness comes from gentian root, the same bittering agent as Angostura bitters. A heavy-handed shake of Angostura made the Moxie more complex and interesting. (I’m a fan of soda and bitters in general; they’re my go-to drink for Dry January.) The choice of booze in this glass was a bit more challenging. I hate Jack Daniels, and Brown-Forman is on my shit list in any event. I tried upping the Angostura to a full ounce. Gross. I tried Fernet Branca. Also bad. I considered Malort. Sanity reigned. I left that bottle unopened. Eventually, I decided to use Old Grand-Dad, a 100 proof high-rye bourbon that isn’t too sweet or peppery. It’s as “smooth” as industrial sandpaper. Perfect for this cocktail.

With all these bitter ingredients, a little sweetness was in order to make the drink pleasant. Jack Daniels has a distinct stone-fruit finish that I dislike, but should probably be present in a glass billing itself as “the worst Jack and Coke.” A touch of amaretto smoothed things out and made the drink vaguely resemble Jack … assuming you could work past the herbal bitterness. The end result doesn’t taste a thing like Lemmy’s drink of choice. It’s stronger, tougher, and more bitter — a perfect drink for 2026.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Brace yourself. This one’s … refreshing.

Moxie: There are a lot of really interesting small-batch sodas on the market. Ohio loves its bizarre pop flavors; hopefully, you can browse through your local candy store or gaming shop and find this gem of a soda. The bitterness is unlike anything else. That’s probably for the best.

Amaretto: Amaretto uses apricot kernels, not almonds, to create its distinctive flavor. I use it whenever I want a “nutty” flavor in a drink without pinning down an exact kind of nut. In this case, it emulates the vague peachiness of Jack Daniels nicely.

Old Grand-Dad: This bourbon is a Jim Beam product, and surprisingly better than its label suggests — the “Old Grand-Dad” in question is Basil Hayden, one of the all-time greats of Kentucky bourbon. Use your bourbon of choice in this glass.

Angostura bitters: Use a lot of this. Angostura uses gentian root, the same bittering agent as Moxie, to create its distinctive flavor. The two go well together.

My home bar is Hemingway’s Underground, the hottest cocktail bar in pretty little Medina, Ohio. I’m behind the stick Wednesday-Saturday, 4-10. Last call’s at midnight. Swing on by and I’ll make a drink for you … or anything else from our little Happy Hour here at Wonkette.

OPEN THREAD!