Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Brain Driller!

Not a Painkiller. Nope. Surely not. But take two and call me in the morning.

Brain Driller with Crab Rangoon from the local Chinese joint. Crab Rangoon and tiki drinks go together.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. Wednesday was National Painkiller Day, and I have some Big Feelings about this tasty pina colada variation. It’s a lovely drink, but there’s some nasty history behind it. And in 2026, I’m not in the mood to excuse it anymore. Let’s make a Painkiller Brain Driller and talk about Pusser’s Rum in unflattering terms.

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Painkiller Brain Driller

1.5 oz Pusser’s Rum Planteray Mister Fogg Navy Rum

3 oz pineapple juice

½ oz orange juice

½ oz Coco Real creme de coconut

Fresh grated nutmeg

Shake all ingredients. Strain into an iced rocks glass. Garnish with fresh nutmeg, a lime wheel, and a cherry.

The Painkiller was created in 1970 by Daphne Henderson, chief bartender of The Soggy Dollar, a swim-up bar in the Virgin Islands. Charles Tobias, the owner of Pusser’s Rum, sharked his way up the bar one evening and asked Daphne for the recipe. She told him no. He persisted. She told him to go jump back into the ocean. He came back. He drank many more Painkillers. He reverse-engineered the recipe. According to Mr. Tobias, he held a taste test at the Soggy Dollar, with his version being judged superior to Ms. Henderson’s by popular acclaim. Considering that the Soggy Dollar was a six-seat bar at the time, I’m dubious.

That behavior’s sleazy enough on its own. But then Mr. Tobias has the unmitigated gall to trademark the recipe. And they have been very, very aggressive in defending said trademark. PKNY Bar in New York was forced to close after Pusser’s forced them to stop making non-Pusser’s Painkillers. I’ll be fair and admit that Pusser’s does a ton of promotional work for tiki bars that sell Painkillers. They showered Tiki Underground with mugs, merch, and advertising for events like National Painkiller Day. I cranked out about 10 Painkillers at Hemingway’s on Wednesday (and we absolutely do make our Painkillers with Pusser’s Rum at Hemingway’s, please and thank you). But no matter how much goodwill Pusser’s Rum tries to buy from the tiki community, I can’t quite find it in my heart to forgive Mr. Tobias for being such a scumbag.

It doesn’t help that the Painkiller is a really, really tasty cocktail. The Painkiller takes the bones of the Pina Colada and adds some orange juice for a touch of sweetness. It’s the grated nutmeg that really takes this drink over the top. The scent of this classic baking spice on top of the rich rum and pineapple brings a whole new dimension to a drink that would otherwise be sweet and cloying.

It also doesn’t help that Pusser’s is a really tasty rum. It is, according to Mr. Vane, an authentic representation of British Navy rum. He did do the research, and Pusser’s makes an annual contribution to the charitable arm of the British Navy for the right to call it “Navy Rum.” The recipe has changed several times since Mr. Vane left Pusser’s rum, but it’s still the most accurate representation of the rum British sailors drink for the daily grog in the Age of Sail.

Or at least it was, until Planteray contacted Michael Fogg, one of the last surviving sources for information on authentic British Navy rum. A great deal of research and testing later, Planteray released its own expression of British Navy Rum. I tasted it side by side with Pusser’s, and while Pusser’s has some great caramel flavors, the Planteray Mr. Fogg explodes with butterscotch and caramel notes. Grab some and make a Not-Painkiller. Here’s hoping Charles Tobias twitches a bit in his grave when you do.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. The state of Ohio wouldn’t let me buy the Mr. Fogg until Friday morning. Worth the wait.

Planteray Mr. Fogg Navy Rum: Okay, this bottle isn’t easy to find, and it’s a bit pricey. Go ahead and get some Pusser’s if you must. Or use Hamilton 86, another great Demerara rum. But Mount Gay won’t do here, let alone Bacardi.

Pineapple Juice: I used canned instead of fresh. Fresh pineapple is too acidic for most cocktail making. The little cans from Dole are perfect for cocktail work.

Creme de Coconut: Do not buy canned coconut cream for this; it’s a completely different product. Creme de coconut comes in a squeeze bottle and is basically coconut frosting. It’s absolutely delicious and adds lots of thickness and body to a cocktail. At Hemingway’s, we use Giffard Coconut Syrup.

Orange juice: Fresh is great. Bottled juice is okay in a pinch. I used bottled juice because I had some in the fridge.

Nutmeg: Absolutely, use fresh. Pre-grated powder from a McCormick’s jar is nowhere near as good.

My home bar is Hemingway’s Underground, the hottest cocktail bar in pretty little Medina, Ohio. I’m behind the stick Wednesday-Saturday, 4-10. Last call’s at midnight. Swing on by, and I’ll make a drink for you… or anything else from our little Happy Hour here at Wonkette. We’ll make it through this together.

OPEN THREAD!