Well, The Democratic Primary Sure Did Get TESTY This Week! Your Weekly Top Ten
Wonkers. Look above. Watch the video of Wonkette Baby GRRRRRAWWWWWWRING like a lion, over and over again. Don't you feel peaceful now? Aren't you ready to agree to disagree over whether KILLARY IS BILLARY THE SHILLARY HILLARY or whether Bernie done shit the bed and needs to stop? Aren't you ready to agree with yr Wonkette that, no matter how this primary eventually turned out, it was going to be WAY better than whatever the Republicans shat out their anus-holes this year? Which turned out to be Donald Trump the reality TV star?
Good, because it's time for your Weekly Top Ten list, and we ain't wanna hear your shit no more.
So let's count down our weekly top stories, BUT FIRST. If you love your Wonkette SO MANY BUNCHES YOU CANNOT EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO EXPRESS IT, we have an idea! Click this linkyto toss us $5, $10 or $25, to support the very hard work we do for you every day! It takes a hell of a lot to make this "Wonket" thing happen day in, day out, and it also takes MONEYS. So please help! By clicking here!
While you are pulling out your wallet, here's one more pic of Donna Rose The Wonkette Baby, bein' cute. You may have seen it before. We do not care.
They grow up so fast!
Shall we now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall!
1. Yes, we wrote a piece where we got REAL MAD at the Bernie Sanders campaign. Remember, we still love you all. This too shall pass.
2. And we wrote that piece because of everything that went down in Nevada last weekend. If you are still mad about that, we order you to the comments section to say five things you are grateful for. You too, Hillary supporters. FIVE FUCKING THINGS, and one cannot be something dickish like "HEH HEH GRATEFUL BERNIE'S ABOUT TO LOSE."
3. Another huge story this week was how that trans-panicked lady screamed at a short-haired girl in Walmart, and thus saved America.
4. Did you hear that Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers so Joan wouldn't spill the beans about Michelle's penis? Alex Jones said it, must be true!
5. Idaho's goofiest super-Christian lawmaker, Sheryl Nuxoll, lost her primary race. Awwwww : ( BYE!
6. The parent company of The Olive Garden, Darden, found a new and exciting way to screw servers!
7. You sluts can cry all you want, but this handsome feller is NOT gonna buy you any drinks.
8. Are the Duggar girls planning their pregnancies so they can stay on TV? TRICK QUESTION, THE DUGGAR GIRLS ARE ALWAYS PREGGO.
9. All y'all bigots who are boycotting Target? Uhhhhhh, the company has some bad news for you, about how your boycott ain't doin' SHIT.
10. Here are the FIVE BEST TIMES President Obama called everybody a dumbass during his Rutgers commencement speech.
OK, Wonkers, you have one task left and this is it. You need to sign up for the goddamned Wonkette newsletter, if you haven't already! It's a great goddamned newsletter, where we send you secret jokes and promotions and sexxx chats. Do it! NOW!