What Fauci's Diary Probably Says, According To A Rand Paul Superfan
I'm grateful to the senator for exposing this criminal.
January 1, 2020 – Happy New Year! I am so looking forward to 2020. This is the year that all the work we’ve been doing at the Wuhan lab will finally pay off with the creation of a super-virus that will kill Americans. Then we can use the excuse of the mass deaths to curtail everyone’s liberties. Finally, my years and years of planning and instituting tyranny in America come to fruition!
Of course, much of the public may die or be permanently disabled or suffer the trauma of wearing masks in Harris Teeter for a few months, but sometimes you have to sacrifice for science. Besides, it’s mostly conservatives who will suffer, so who cares?
January 19, 2020 – The Day of Judgment is almost here! Soon Americans will be forced to stay home and the economy will crater, as per the plan. Not even Donald Trump, despite his war on the “deep state,” can stop us now!
February 20, 2020 – Today I briefed President Trump in the Oval Office on the current state of the virus. Or at least I tried to. He kept interrupting to ask if I was going to vote for him in November. At one point he asked if the deep state had manufactured the virus to make him look bad. I looked him right in the eye and said No, there is no evidence for that. Which there isn’t, because we’ve destroyed all the evidence.
I can’t believe how lucky we got that he’s president at the exact time we had long planned to release the virus on the general public. He’s so stupid, he’ll make everything worse! And by worse, I mean better for me, Anthony Fauci, the person who engineered the virus’s release so I could get on TV a lot.
March 15, 2020 - Beware the Ides of March! Long meeting with President Trump today. He kept bragging about how many votes he’s getting in the primaries: “I tell you, Tony, I am kicking everyone’s ass! I’m winning by millions of votes! No one else is getting any votes. No one’s ever seen anything like it.” I didn’t have the patience to remind him that no one else is running in the primary. Not my job.
Then he started in on how the Democrats are going to stupidly nominate Joe Biden, who he keeps calling Sleepy Joe for some reason. “Dad, you’re gonna wipe the fucking floor with that loser,” his son, Don Jr., who was there for some reason, told him. Junior also kept sniffing a lot. I asked him if he’d been tested for the virus yet, but he just sneered at me.
April 10, 2020 - Note to self: get hair professionally styled before next MSNBC hit.
April 23, 2020 – President Trump did a press conference today and suggested there’s a COVID treatment that involves putting an ultraviolet light inside the human body and blasting the virus with it. My God, he’s such a moron. Poor Deborah Birx, she had to really work to keep it together. She asked me afterwards if I thought any Republicans would ask me if that’s true the next time I testify to Congress. “Maybe a few of them,” I said. “But not Rand Paul, he’s too smart to buy it.”
June 5, 2020 – Sure, this virus sucks, but I’m so famous now! This week alone I did interviews with The New York Times, CNN (Jake Tapper AND Kate Bolduan), The Washington Post, 60 Minutes, Good Morning America, two wellness podcasts for parents, Kelly Clarkson, and Highlights. Charlize Theron mailed me a pair of her panties.
June 10, 2020 – Senate Homeland Security Committee hearing on Zoom about the virus’s origins. God, the questions! Josh Hawley never got around to anything about COVID because he kept asking me for my feelings on abortion. (Unlimited, of course! The more dead white babies, the better!) Ron Johnson wanted to know how good a job I think Trump is doing. Rick Scott mostly wanted sunscreen recommendations.
The only one of these idiots I have to watch out for is Rand Paul. He asked some really smart questions about gain-of-function research and how it could have been used to weaponize a virus against the world’s human population. He’s definitely not buying the animal-human spillover hypothesis we’ve been trying to sell. I’m going to have to keep an eye on that guy.
June 11, 2020 - Note to self: Make super-extra-double-plus-sure we destroyed all the evidence. If there’s anyone who can dig it up, it’s Rand Paul.
July 4, 2020 – Happy Fourth, America! Maybe by this time next year I’ll let you all have cookouts again.
July 11, 2020 – The Big Pharma companies I’m conspiring with are doing a great job developing a vaccine crazy fast. Of course, it helps that I slipped them the virus’s design plans ahead of time so they could get a head start. Note to self: Buy more Moderna and Pfizer stock.
Doing Colbert’s show tonight! I’m told Julia Roberts will also be a guest. I almost lifted my social distancing recommendations just so we could both be in the studio together.
July 20, 2020 – Rand Paul wants me to come back to Congress and answer more questions. He knows something’s up, but he can’t quite crack it yet. I’m going to have to be at my sneering, most dismissive best to keep making him look like a kook to the public. Katy Perry emailed me a picture of herself wearing a whipped-cream bikini.
September 7, 2020 – Happy Back to Virtual School That Shortchanges Your Education and Impedes Your Social Development Day, children of America! If you get bored on Zoom, I’ll be on Wendy Williams’s show at noon!
September 15, 2020 – Another Senate hearing. Rand Paul asked flat-out about my steering funds to the Wuhan lab project for gain-of-function research. He wanted to know about my “financial incentives with the pharmaceutical companies.” I told him that was a ridiculous accusation. Thank God for Swiss bank accounts. I think I did a really good job pretending to be righteously indignant.
October 31, 2020 – Appeared on Chris Hayes’s show and suggested trick-or-treaters stay on the sidewalk while homeowners lob candy at them from their front steps. Everyone on Fox News is accusing me of ruining Halloween. “My kids all want to go as doctors so they have an excuse to keep wearing masks,” Laura Ingraham yelled. “Thanks, Dr. Fauci, you criminal!”
November 12, 2020 – Biden wins! Thank God the Democrats will be back in power because they’re all in on it and I was getting tired of humoring Donald Trump. Too bad he can’t take Rand Paul with him, so we’re going to have to continue to be very, very careful with this cover-up.
November 20, 2020 – Zoom Thanksgivings are all the rage this year. Senator Paul accused me of ruining the holiday because I’m anti-family. Christ, how does he know? Has he been reading this diary?
Meanwhile, I logged four MSNBC interviews in the last two weeks. They really love me over there. When they can resume in-person interviews, I’m going to demand they stock Flaming Hot Cheetos in the green room. Scarlett Johansson invited me to spend Christmas with her at a nudist resort in Aruba.
January 5, 2021 – Happy New Year to everyone! I can’t believe it has been a whole year since we got the entire country to succumb to our medical tyranny, thereby ending American freedom. Of course, Rand Paul is still making noises about dragging me back to Congress to ask me more questions. But I think what I’ve cooked up for tomorrow with the help of the deep state is going to keep him too busy to bother me for a while.
Here’s to another year of ruining the country! Now, I can’t write anymore, I need to put lotion on the sunburn I picked up in Aruba. It’s everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
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Can't really be Faucci, since he designed COVID to be a supervirus that kills everyone but also which was no worse than the common cold.
Gain of function sounds like a setting on a Marshall guitar amp.