What If Democrats Could Be *Exactly* Like Republicans ... But Less Tacky About It?
Please hire me as a consultant and/or columnist for a newspaper owned by a billionaire Trump supporter.
As you probably know by now, Democrats lost the last presidential election — and even lost the popular vote by a staggering 1.5 percent. What a landslide! What a mandate! As a very smart person who should be paid lots and lots of money to consult on the next election, I am here to join the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Matt K. Lewis of The Hill and dole out some tough love that everyone is going to have to listen to if Democrats ever want to win another election in our lifetime.
Throw Trans People Directly Under The Bus, Literally If You Think You Can Pull It Off
Sure! A lot of you spent a lot of time this past election telling people who didn’t want to vote for Kamala Harris because she said she wouldn’t stop sending weapons to Israel that they needed to think of how badly Trump would treat trans people if elected — but that was in the past. The best thing to do right now is to just concede that Republicans are absolutely right on this issue and give up entirely on doing anything that would suggest that you think trans people are human beings who deserve medical care and just treatment.
Many Democrats have already done a really great job of this by voting yesterday in favor of a National Defense Authorization bill that will strip military families of gender affirming care for transgender minors. In fact, only 10, plus Bernie Sanders, voted against it — Cory Booker, Tammy Baldwin, Ed Markey, Elizabeth Warren, Jeff Merkley, Peter Welch, Andy Kim, Debbie Stabenow, Adam Schiff, and Ron Wyden.
Twenty-one senators, lead by Sen. Baldwin, proposed an amendment to eliminate that part of the bill, but they couldn’t get enough support for a vote. Great job, Democrats!
War! What Is It Good For? Absolutely Everything!
One time period that practically every American looks back on fondly is George W. Bush’s presidency and the Iraq War — so you’re going to want to do your best to emulate the Republicans of that time. You love war, you love Dick Cheney, you love banks.
Alas, the widely beloved war criminal Henry Kissinger is now deceased and Dick Cheney’s endorsement wasn’t enough to help Harris, but there are still many war criminals out there who might be willing to give you an endorsement. What are those Abu Ghraib people doing these days? Sure, they can’t vote because of said war crimes, but if they back you, people will think you are very tough and bad ass and also that your opponent must be really bad if even the Abu Ghraib people are taking a pass. This is for sure how people think!
Agree With The Right’s Assessment Of Any Situation, Whether Or Not It Makes Sense
The most popular topic for an op-ed this week appears to be that Joe Biden had a “terrible record” and far-too-liberal presidency that made everyone in the country dirt poor, even though we had a far better economic recovery than most other nations, record low unemployment, and an inflation rate that has actually been decreasing since mid-2022.
Let’s all just agree now that the only reason inflation started going down in 2022 is because the markets were responding to the future Trump presidency.
It’s also good to keep reminding people that Kamala Harris was haunted by this record and lost in part because she stood by it! And because she was too liberal when she ran in 2019.
Oh! And just so you know, we don’t have to worry about the fact that we’ve lost around 90 percent of the liberal news sites that existed a decade ago, because everyone can just get their news from the right-wing sites funded by incredibly rich Republicans and organizations. The less people know about what we’re doing or what we stand for, the better.
Always Assume That People Really Love Conservative Policies And Hate Liberal Ones
While voters rejected Democratic candidates this cycle, they voted largely in favor of left-wing ballot initiatives like abortion, raising the minimum wage, and guaranteed sick leave. The takeaway from this should be that voters actually hate things like abortion, raising the minimum wage, and paid sick leave, and Democrats should never talk about them again or they should talk about them while moving to the right on those issues.
People love right-wing policies, so what we should really be doing is embracing those, but without being as crude and tacky as Republicans are. Basically just be Mitt Romney or John McCain, both of whom were greatly loved by Republican and American voters, which is why they both became president.
Remember: People LOVE Their Health Insurance Companies
There are some people out there right now who are probably looking at the recent response to the assassination of UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson and thinking “Hey! It seems like people have some pretty strong feelings about this issue! Maybe we should reconsider Medicare For All?”
Terrible idea! People love health insurance and having a choice between the health insurance they get through their job and, um … not having a job? Incredible choices there! If we had Medicare For All, there would be no choice! People would have all of their medical expenses covered, instead of just some of them.
The best thing to do is not to capitalize on this at all and to just ignore it and hope it blows over.
Never, Ever Retire
Everyone prefers candidates and politicians who are at least 70 years old and who have been in office since the dawn of time. It would actually be best if all elected officials under the age of 50 just shut up entirely until they qualified for the senior discount, so that we all know that they have paid their dues and had all of the youthful idealism that might motivate them to “do stuff” stomped right out of them.
Always Be Sister Souljah-ing
One of the big reasons Democrats lost this election is because of things that people on the Left who are not elected officials have said in the past, on social media or elsewhere, that other people didn’t like or found personally annoying in some capacity.
Don’t handle things like Republicans do in this way! They constantly tell all of their constituents how wonderful they are, and when people on their side say something that people find objectionable, they either ignore it or pivot to hammering something people on the Left might say or believe that people could find objectionable. We can’t do that! We must constantly remind people that they are the reason Democrats lose elections, because of how they are terrible. Which people? It changes! But ideally, let’s focus on young people and those who use social media a lot.
Sure! Democrats all over the country doled out tons of money to police departments and many gave up entirely on any kind of reform, but what will that even do if some random person on social media tweets #DefundThePolice after the police kill another unarmed Black person? Our voters are our greatest weakness, and unless we roll over them on them at every opportunity, we will never win over a small subset of suburban white women.
Progressives aren’t your only problem, by the way. Everyone to the left of Karl Rove must be continually reminded that they come off as out-of-touch, gabbagool-eating elitists who are repulsive to everyone else in the country.
The goal is to just be very, very clear that people who vote for Democrats, or who are at least more likely to vote for Democrats than for Republicans, are the absolute worst people on earth, as far as you can tell. Who wouldn’t want to join a club like that?
Other Than That, Be As Invisible And As Bland As Humanly Possible
Ideally, what you want is for voters to hear your name and think “Wait, which one is that?” or to see you on television and think “Are they about to slip into a coma?” Because if you stand completely still and don’t say or do anything or advocate for any policies in particular, no one can criticize you or say you didn’t do something you said you were going to do.
This way, voters will just assume that you want everything they want.
Don’t use social media except for vague, empty platitudes, Bible verses, and very straightforward announcements of noncontroversial, bipartisan legislation you support. You definitely do not want to engage with voters, because what if someone else who might vote for you doesn’t like them? Then what will you do?
Pay Me Lots Of Money To Focus Group You Into Oblivion And Help You Lose Elections For The Rest Of My Life, Until I Die
Self-explanatory!
I know this is a joke but man am I sick of the navel gazing and “autopsies”. We lost because the right has a huge and well funded propaganda operation and has captured basically the entire MSM.
Notwithstanding Gingrich, the Democratic Party needs to come up with its own ten-point contract with America that is a real populist document.
1. Working for a living should produce a living wage.
2. Not working for a living should be taxed as ordinary income.
3. The $375 billion in health insurer profits since the passage of the ACA should be spent on keeping people well and treating the sick.
4. Your child should not be shot in school.
5. Uncap Social Security taxation.
6. The concentration of wealth in the hands of the few is more dangerous to democracy than the concentration of economic power in monopolies and trusts.
7. Executive compensation caps.
8. Repair the Citizen's United hole in the Constitution.
9. Defend democracy.
10. Mind your own damn business.