What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?

Science Fiction! OK, Science-ish Fiction? Not-at-all-Science Fiction. YOU GUYS ARE BUSTING MY BALLS, JESUS! Well, Jesus , exactly, specifically that weird Jesus thing where they think they can make the hairdressers straight, because it worked for Marcus Bachmann, amiright? (Don't answer that question.) Trouble is, you just can't seem to find anyone who it has worked for, unless it's somebody who makes money off the whole scam, and even then they're lying and having SO MUCH COCK OMG, like hogging all the cocks for God. And Mary. Actually, especially for Mary.

But... what if Ex-Gay therapy actually worked? And I don't mean "Hey, that worked; the kid killed himself. NOT SO GAY ANYMORE." What if they could detect the gay right at birth and bend that twig into a straight... wand? Or apply it later in life? Would things be different? Oh, yes, they'd be different all right. Join me after the jump for some possible side-effects.

• John Waters' comedy, Beige Hummingbirds , is appropriate for all ages, features two families who vie to see which one is more refined. In the end, everybody wins!

• Alan Cumming announces new scent , "Alan".

• Rupaul premiers new Rupaul's Suit and Tie Race reality competition show.

• Dan Savage's column, Savage Abstinence , appears weekly on Barbwire.com.

• Joe Jervis changes name of his blog to Joemygoodness.

• Johnny Weir's totally mundane outfit passes without comment.

• Hilarity ensues as Rachel Maddow's hair extensions get tangled in her microphone cord.

•  Derek Jarman directs record 500th episode of Eastenders .

• Rick Santorum, suddenly without a purpose in life, last seen living in a homeless encampment under the Benjamin Franklin Bridge.

• Clay Aiken tweets to followers: "Just kidding about the last five years LOL."

• Tom Ford designs plaid flannel shirts for Target in total anonymity.

• Ellen Degeneres appears on the cover of Time Magazine with the caption Nope! Not Anymore I'm Not !

• Michael Sam enters adolescence with no nagging feeling that he has to somehow prove himself.

• Packs of athletic youth rove America's grade schools, desperately searching somebody to bully.

• Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham relaxes at home with the wife and kids.

Can you imagine? Maggie Gallagher would be SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME, ew. Or would she? What if all the gays disappeared completely? Would Maggie be sad? That's a topic for another column, I'm afraid.

Next Week: What if Thad Cochran grew wings and flew to Uranus?

Luv and kisses (no homo), Princess Sparkle Pony. Follow me on the Twitters !