What If Fox News Didn't Suck So Much?

Oct 17, 2016

What if we woke up one day and journalists were sitting here?

Over at ye olde Washington Post , a writer named Callum Borchers is playing a game of Let's Tie The News Together And See What It Means! You might have heard that Donald Trump's son-in-law, Ivanka's piece of ass Jared Kushner, has been talking to a big media company about starting the Trump TV network if (once) Trump loses the election. This idea has been floating around for a while now! It would be a terrible place where Sean Hannity would be considered a news man and Alex Jones would say the morning conspiracy theories while crying, and maybe even Roger Ailes could get a job making greasy taco bowls in the Trump TV cafeteria, because we heard he ain't got no job.

Oh, and then there could be Trump TV Late Night XXX, which would be all pussy-grabbing, all the time. It would be a very popular network, for the basket of deplorables.

The WaPo's Borchers points out that, at the very same time, Huffington Post is reporting this:

WUT? Let's read it:

Since the forced departure of Roger Ailes ― who has now gone on to advise the spawn of Fox News, the Trump campaign ― Rupert Murdoch’s two sons, James and Lachlan, have taken a bigger role inside the network. If they get their way, some of the knuckle-dragging, opinion-heavy approach to politics may be less welcome at headquarters, clearing the way for journalists like [Shep] Smith, Chris Wallace, Bret Baier and Megyn Kelly. The brothers are reportedly working hard to woo Kelly, hoping she’ll stay at Fox past the election and help shape the network’s post-Ailes identity.
In a more grounded Fox, Shep would take on a much greater role. In his most recent meeting with Rupert Murdoch, he asked where Murdoch felt the center of gravity was going to move post-Ailes, whether toward news or toward the opinion side. “He said, ‘I’m a newsman. I want to be the best news organization in America,’” Shep recalled.

A Fox News with news on it????? UNPOSSIBLE. But the people listed in that quote -- Megyn Kelly, Chris Wallace, Bret Baier, Shep -- are all members of the exclusive Wonkette club of Fox News Anchors We Kinda Like Okay Sometimes Except When They're Being So Stupid Which Is Most of the Time. If they are the ones left behind -- now that Ailes is gone, and Greta Van Susteren is gone, and Ailes's sexual harassment lawsuit-filing accusers are gone -- then there could actually be such a thing as a Fox News that was focused on THE NEWS, even if it was still slightly conservative. Weird, right?

HuffPo notes that Shep, unlike much of Fox News, does actual journalism on his show. Reporting on Donald Trump's many groping allegations, he actually pointed out, for context purposes, that Trump had actually bragged about grabbing them by the pussy. He says that's important, news-wise, and not just his opinion:

“The juxtaposition of the two things is striking, noteworthy, and, I believe, news. I don’t add feelings about it,” he said, conjuring up this analogy: “This is something you should think about: It’s going to be 4 degrees tonight, and your cat lives outside. You should think about this.”

Shep Smith wants his viewers to know they should grab that pussy and bring it inside, away from Donald Trump. We think.

He paused and added, “Not my cat.”

This seems like a good time to also note that Shep Smith officially came out as a gay homosexual in that same HuffPo interview. He says it was a huge betrayal learning what a rapey sex-slimer Roger Ailes is, because Ailes had always been so nice to him:

He said that reports that Ailes had prevented him from coming out publicly several years ago were false. “That’s not true. He was as nice as he could be to me. I loved him like a father,” he said. “I trusted him with my career and with ― I trusted him and trusts were betrayed. People outside this company can’t know [how painful that betrayal was]. This place has its enemies, but inside, it was very personal, and very scarring and horrifying.”

That's almost sad enough for us to refrain from making any jokes about Shep Smith calling Roger Ailes "Daddy." Almost.

BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL QUESTION. We already know how batshit Trump TV would be, but in this hypothetical post-apocalyptic world, what would it be like if Fox News didn't suck so hard all the time? How would we feel about that? What would Wonkette write half its posts about if Shep and Megyn Kelly and Chris Wallace were spending their workdays being halfway sane?

Sure, we bet Fox would still suck on the same level of, say, CNN, but ... remember these Wonket headlines?

Just thinking about not writing those headlines is making us : (

To be clear, we think it would be good for America, on balance, if Fox News didn't suck dirty goat balls all the time. Wonkette is just going to need some time, that's all.

[ Washington Post / Financial Times / Huffington Post ]

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