What If They Had A Republican Debate And Nobody Cared?

We made Gary watch the Republican debate. HAHA, GARY.

Gary Legum

Nov 9, 2023

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How much of the Republican presidential primary debate did you make it through on Wednesday night? We got through we think about 20 minutes that felt more like Jaunting while conscious. After that we muted the TV, only occasionally unmuting it when we needed to remind ourselves why we had muted it in the first place.

If there was any silver lining, it is that only five of the knuckle-dragging dipshits running for the GOP nomination were on the stage, the others having either not qualified based on their polling or skipped out on account of their being Donald Trump.

Nonetheless, let us look at the performance of each of the contestants in their vicious battle to see who can finish a distant second to Trump for the nomination.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

Why was Chris Christie there? Why is Chris Christie running for the nomination? Why has Chris Christie not yet retreated from public life so that he can take up the vocation for which he was so obviously born, that vocation being beer vendor at Giants games?

Christie is mostly running to try and assure Americans that there are still some sane Republicans left in the party, which, good luck with that! Christie’s goal was made clear early on when moderator Lester Holt asked him why he should be president instead of Trump:

“I will say this about Donald Trump and one spending the next year and a half focusing on keeping themselves out of jail and courtrooms cannot lead this party or country, it needs to be said plainly.”

Later on, Christie swore up and down that women in his home state of New Jersey can get abortions up into the ninth month of pregnancy, which let us just say this again, IS NOT A FUCKING THING! STOP CLAIMING WOMEN ARE GOING INTO THEIR DOCTOR’S OFFICES A WEEK BEFORE THEIR DUE DATE AND SAYING “I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND AND WOULD LIKE TO ABORT THIS PREGNANCY SO THAT IT WON’T INTERFERE WITH MY PICKLEBALL CAREER” AND DOCTORS ARE SAYING SURE THING, HOP UP ON THIS TABLE WHILE I GET MY ABORTIN’ TOOLS.

Chris Christie, even the people on “Morning Joe” think you are a fucking idiot and in no way serious.

RON DESANTIS

Ron DeSantis is a terrible person and a terrible candidate and he spent the entire debate looking as if he had just snorted oven cleaner. He looked about as comfortable on the debate stage as he would have looked during a drag show staged by Disney employees in a college DEI office.

There is not a single issue or controversy in American life that Ron DeSantis will not solve in the shittiest way possible. Anti-Israel protests on college campuses? He’ll revoke the visas of any Palestinian or other student from a Muslim nation who dares to suggest that maybe indiscriminate bombing of defenseless civilians is in fact bad. America’s southern border? Here’s his solution:

“We will designate the cartel as a foreign terrorist organization or something similar and authorize the use of deadly force. […] I tell you this, if someone in the drug cartel is sneaking fentanyl across the border when I’m president, that’s the last thing they’re gonna do. We’re gonna shoot ‘em stone cold dead.”

Then he walked off the stage with a normal human walk, and he did not at all look like Vincent D’Onofrio’s outer space insect wearing a human skin suit and trying to walk around Manhattan in Men in Black. Not at all.

TIM SCOTT

STOP THE PRESSES! TIM SCOTT HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND SHE IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY A REAL HUMAN WOMAN AND NOT SOME LOWER SPECIES OF ANIMAL OR POSSIBLY CANADIAN:

A campaign official would only confirm that the woman on stage was indeed Scott’s girlfriend and her name is “Mindy.” Online sleuthing points to the person as being Mindy Noce, a Charleston-area interior designer and mother of three. […]

In September, Scott told a crowd in Iowa that he was dating “a lovely Christian girl,” but remained tight-lipped about when she would join him on the campaign trail.

STOP THE PRESSES! TIM SCOTT COULD CONCEIVABLY BE SOMEONE’S STEPDAD IF THINGS WORK OUT!

Scott said a lot of other crazy dumb shit about closing the southern border and bombing Iran and how the “radical Left” hates him, but who cares, he’s not coming anywhere near the nomination. He is possibly getting laid, though, so he’s got that going for him.

VIVEK RAMASWAMY

Did you ever think you’d see a GOP candidate more hateful than Ted Cruz? (We’re not counting Donald Trump, he’s too unparalleled in his hatefulness.) Somehow, Vivek Ramaswamy makes Ted Cruz look like Daniel the Tiger.

Ramaswamy came out of the gate screeching like a bat that had just spent a week snorting up a train car full of cocaine. He started by calling the Republican Party in general a boatload of losers (correct) and then spent what seemed like 20 minutes yelling at Ronna Romney McDaniel for the continuous losing train the party’s been doing ever since Donald Trump, who is notoriously not Ronna Romney McDaniel, started telling Republicans to either 1) stay home on Election Day or 2) nominate people who might have actual brain damage and DSM-5 diagnoses. He called both Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis “Dick Cheney in heels” because Haley in particular doesn’t want to let Putin turn Ukraine into hamburger. He suggested not only building a southern border wall, but one on the northern border as well, which the Canadians would probably appreciate if they thought it would keep Vivek Ramaswamy from ever getting anywhere near Ontario. He yelled at Haley because her grown daughter has posted videos on TikTok and TIKTOK CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY AMERICA. He was generally so loathsome to Haley, in fact, that we would not have been surprised if NBC ended the debate by allowing the former UN ambassador five minutes to slowly grind one of her stiletto heels into both of his eyes.

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He even referred to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky, a Jewish man who lost relatives in the Holocaust, as a “Nazi,” presumably because that’s literally who Russia claims to be fighting. He can fuck off into the sun for that alone.

There are not enough words in human language to fully describe Vivek Ramaswamy’s awfulness. If the GOP primary was baseball, he’d be the Yankees. If it was the Smashing Pumpkins, he’d be Billy Corgan. If it was Star Wars, he’d be the prequels. You get the idea.

NIKKI HALEY

Haley called Ramaswamy “scum” when he brought up her daughter. It was the only moment when we liked her for two seconds. Or we would have, if that moment hadn’t been preceded by her answer to a question about what she would tell Benjamin Netanyahu to do about Hamas:

“The first thing I said to him when it happened was, finish them. Finish them.”

“Finish them”? Are you a presidential candidate or the dumbest avatar in “Street Fighter”?

And Haley was probably the least objectionable candidate up there, which is a little like being the least objectionable weeping sore in a raging case of genital herpes. She also, as you’ve doubtless already heard, called Ramaswamy “scum,” so that’s five points to Hufflepuff right there. (Yes, we know you are a Hufflepuff, and you take great offense. Your objection is noted.)

Anyway, congrats to all the nominees on humiliating themselves on national television for the privilege of getting stomped by Donald Trump. You all suck.

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