What Part Of 'Does Not Exonerate' Don't Republicans Understand?

Any of it, Katie!

Now that William Barr has carefully explained that the Mueller report didn't find enough evidence to prosecute Donald Trump for conspiracy, Republicans are all about proclaiming the Trump 2020 campaign slogan:  WELL SHORT OF A FELONY!! Also, please never mind that part where even Barr admitted the report doesn't exonerate Trump of obstruction of justice, because why would anyone care about any other crimes?

Of course, if you want to get all factual about it, not even Barr's letter says Mueller found no evidence of wrongdoing -- just that he couldn't make a criminal case that could be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, as  Roll Call explains . Thin though that is, and regardless of what's in the actual report, Trump allies are over the moon and ready to move on to the important business of putting Hillary Clinton in jail forever. Let's watch the Premature Victory Parade!

May as well start with Sean Hannity, who was so moved by Barr's letter that he wrote some authentic Vogon poetry. In all caps:

It's got no beat and you can't dance to it, but it's very satisfying to some people's lizard brains.

Donald Trump's biggest fan in the US Senate, Lindsey Graham, was awfully excited by Barr's declaration that the Trump campaign's actions fell somewhere short of criminal conspiracy:

No collusion and no obstruction. The cloud hanging over President Trump has been removed by this report [...] Bad day for those hoping the Mueller investigation would take President Trump down.

"No collusion and no obstruction" is certainly an accurate reading of "while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it does not exonerate him," isn't it?

And it appears there's still some marital discord in the Conway home over that phrase, too. George Conway was busy correcting Sarah Huckabee Sanders's spelling yesterday:

You misspelled “While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerat… https: //t.co/foPmNEHPKH

— George Conway (@George Conway) 1553459216.0 

Meanwhile, on "Fox and Friends" this morning, Kellyanne Conway said it's time for anyone who even suggested Trump acted improperly to lose their job, because of Barr's 100 percent exoneration, and besides, isn't it time to lock up Hillary?

Kellyanne Conway calls for new investigations of the Obama administration and Hillary Clinton. "'Why are still tal… https: //t.co/UJ8kYNIQr3

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1553516702.0 

Devin Nunes was very pleased with himself, since he had personally cleared Donald Trump of any wrongdoing a whole year ago:

The Russia investigation was based on false pretenses, false intel, and false media reports. House Intel found a yr… https: //t.co/ushOtg9o1O

— Devin Nunes (@Devin Nunes) 1553460934.0 

The whole thing was false! Or at least it fell short of a recommendation to prosecute the "president," which is exactly the same thing.

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas), suggested Democrats are now just a bunch of hypocrites for refusing to accept they were completely absolutely wrong, because obviously, Mueller exonerated Trump or something:

DEMOCRATS have spent years praising MUELLER, saying his work was beyond reproach, and the Congress should follow his lead. @politico

— Senator John Cornyn (@Senator John Cornyn) 1553510625.0 

Gosh, how about a release of the full report -- and the evidence Mueller actually found -- and then we'll have a far better idea of how well Mueller actually did?

It's almost as if these crazy Dems won't take a four-page summary for an answer. How awful of them!

Mind you, the Trump 2020 campaign is already rolling with a fundraising appeal claiming flawless victory, converting not enough evidence to convict into no evidence whatsoever, because that is for sure how facts work:

COLLUSION HOAX!    youtu.be 

That ... seems an awful lot of work for the phrase "While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him" to be carrying. Particularly given the fudge factor of another line from Barr's very carefully worded letter, as Evan highlighted for you earlier:

"The Special Counsel did not find that the Trump campaign, or anyone associated with it, conspired or coordinatedwith the Russian governmentin these efforts ,despite multiple offers from Russian-affiliated individuals to assist the Trump campaign ."

So hey, that's a hell of a very narrowly defined not-quite-a-crime, huh? Suck it, libs, Donald Trump Is Jesus and now the matter is settled.

Not that we'd have expected anything other than a declaration of victory from these wieners anyway. Also, in case you want further proof that we're all living in the UpsideDown now, here are some thoughts from rightwing loony Joe Walsh, who remains terrible but also doesn't have to run as a Republican anymore. When he starts seeming sane, things are definitely headed weird:

Somebody on TV just said our "long national nightmare is over." Bullshit. It wasn't a long national nightmare. Ru… https: //t.co/XHPyG2A6O4

— Joe Walsh (@Joe Walsh) 1553514326.0 

A foreign government attacks our election, there's the possibility Americans conspired with that foreign government… https: //t.co/fNv4zHoKLv

— Joe Walsh (@Joe Walsh) 1553519869.0 

1. This country NEEDED the Mueller Investigation. 2. I'm so glad no one on Team Trump CRIMINALLY conspired with Rus… https: //t.co/f4ElgqIQ28

— Joe Walsh (@Joe Walsh) 1553517127.0 

Funny, not a lot of Republicans are saying much about the Russian hacking part of the reported conclusions, either. By the end of the day, Trump will probably be tweeting Mueller said that was fake too.

[ NBC News / CNN / Roll Call / TPM / Photo:  James Ledbetter, Creative Commons license 2.0 ]

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please send us money and we'll keep sending you TRUTH. Also dick jokes.