What The Benghazi Hearing Taught Us: Republicans Are Dicks, Hillary Already President

ELEVEN HOURS, ALAN!

Oh. My. God. Becky!

Did you see it? Did you see the Republican-led Benghazi committee interrogate Hillary Clinton for 11 FUCKING HOURS (AND WE KNOW BECAUSE WE WATCHED THE WHOLE THING, GIVE US MONEY ), and somehow fail to land a single punch?!?!

Did you see the 11 FUCKING HOUR hearing that was supposed to be some nail in Hillary's coffin, but instead turned into an 11 FUCKING HOUR campaign commercial for Hillary Clinton?

What did we learn from the shitshow that was Thursday? Let us Wonksplore, in that question and answer format we all have grown to love.

So, really, did we learn a thing?

No, really, we learned nothing. Rep. Adam Smith (D-Washington) said it during the hearing: "What we have learned here is ... nothing."

But even better than that, Benghazi chair Rep. Trey Gowdy, that dead-eyed ball of limp-dicked wingnut rage, spent the week before the hearings telling everyone and their mother to "NO YOU SHUT UP SO MUCH!" He was just SO SURE he would be able to deliver some kind of bombshell that would ultimately reveal Hillary as The Real Benghazi. "YOU'LL SEE, GUYS, AND THEN YOU'LL STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!"

But even he has admitted that his 11-hour charade produced no new information. Essentially, the whole day was Republicans on the committee blowing wet sharts all over the halls of Congress, the Democrats trying to clean them up, and Hillary sitting there holding her nose like, "Really?"

OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, WE LEARNED ABOUT HOW SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL DID BENGHAZI TOO!

Did we, though?

Well, the Republicans sure think he's The Devil for some reason.

Yes, they do! Man, they mentioned him CONSTANTLY! Seemingly unaware that email is not THE ONLY WAY diplomats communicate, the committee zeroed in on how longtime Clinton friend Sidney Blumenthal likes to email Hillary a whole lot, often about political things, which means they definitely did Benghazi together, probably while swimming naked in the tears and blood of Real Americans. Rep. Mike Pompeo (R-My Loud Mouth Will Distract You From My Pencil Dick) droned ON and ON and ON about how none of HIS friends ever send him cool foreign policy emails with intelligence facts and stuff, completely glossing over how he's a representative from Kansas and most of the emails he gets are from cows.

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But those Blumenthal emails, they were the smoking gun that proves there's a conspiracy and something something Hitler-y Clinton Devil Woman Benghazi!!!!!!!!!11111! And they are quite certain Hillary received all of her Libya intelligence from Sid, and Sid alone, and didn't listen to anyone else who told her stuff. But as Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Our Hearts) said during the 11 HOUR hearing:

And -- and I have to say I just don't understand the preoccupation with Sidney Blumenthal. You would think, for the time we have spent on him, that he was in Benghazi on the night, manning the barricades.

And, as committee Democrats have pointed out, if Blumenthal is THE KEY TO EVERYTHING, why won't the committee release all of his testimony? So Elijah Cummings (D-Badass) beated Trey Gowdy's ass up in public over the matter, whereupon Gowdy decided that DEMOCRATS are the ones with the unhealthy obsession with Blumenthal, even though the Republicans' ENTIRE MORNING OF QUESTIONING was about his emails.

So they dared the Republicans to release his testimony, and promptly voted that idea down after lunch.

Oh, but we know what was in Sidney Blumenthal's testimony, because Rep. Schiff told us:  

"Republicans asked more than 160 questions about Mr. Blumenthal's relationship with and communications with the Clinton Foundation," Schiff said. "But less than 20 questions about the Benghazi attacks.

"Republicans asked more than 50 questions about the Clinton foundation," he said. "But only four questions about the security in Benghazi."

"Republicans asked more than 270 questions about Blumenthal's alleged business activities in Libya but no questions about the U.S. presence in Benghazi," Schiff said.

But seriously, who is Sidney Blumenthal?

This guy. You know that friend you have, who went to your kid's bar mitzvah, held your hair back while you were puking, did like nine of your abortions with his mouth, and just generally is available for when you need to ugly cry like a common Oprah? That's Sid Blumenthal, for Hillary and Bill. He sexts them late at night and they're like, "Oh, Sidney, we cannot rescue you from this one, but we'll call you an Uber." He sends them cat pictures and they're like "LOL, looks just like Socks (PBUH)!" And because he's a journalist(ish), he sends them articles to read.

They've been BFFs since like way before she even killed Vince Foster.

Did we meet any new friends, like, say, a sorority girl-cum-congresslady from Alabama, what is so dumb we can't even, and even when we can, we still can't?

Yes! She is sorority Rep. Martha Roby of Alabama and she is just pretty sure? About how according to this email she saw, Hillary Clinton didn't even know we were doing things in Benghazi, like such as? And the smoking gun, it was right there all along, on Tab 31! Could you please look at Tab 31? It's right there, for real! Come on, Mrs. Clinton, Tab 31? It says you did Benghazi and also you don't know what a Benghazi is. SHE SEEN IT, SHE PROMISES!

She is yr Wonkette's new favorite, and she is A Idiot.

Did we figure out the Evil Theory Republicans have on Benghazi? Like, what are they even trying to discover here?

Hahaha, the fuck you say. Were they supposed to be doing that? Clinton did Benghazi! She didn't even know we were in Benghazi! Emails with Sidney Blumenthal, which prove EVERYTHING and NOTHING all at the same time! But you can't see them, they are a secret!

They just really despise Hillary Clinton, is all.

Anything else, besides how Hillary was PRESIDENTIAL AS FUCK?

Yeah, but you'll have to KEEP READING WONKETTE ALL DAY, because some stories deserve stand-alone pieces.

But Wonkette, UNFAIR!

Eat a dick, we OWN YOU.

You're the worst!

You like it.

LOL, kinda.

That's what we thought, bitches.

Should we give you money now, for all your Pulitzer-quality reporting on the Benghazi hearings?

 Ayup.