Which Local Animals Are Plotting To Ruin You?

An investigation.

A prescient 1977 documentary.

Remember this past summer, when the orcas seemingly rose up against human activity in the Strait of Gibraltar and you all claimed they were being framed? Well, I’m thrilled to report that they’re up to it again! They did it on Halloween (perfect timing!) and they didn’t physically harm any people. But they sure did ruin a yacht voyage!

A pod of orcas, colloquially called killer whales, approached the yacht and "hit the steering fin for 45 minutes, causing major damage and leakage," the tour agency Morskie Mile, which is based in Warsaw and operated the yacht, wrote on Facebook in a translated post.

Although its captain and crew were assisted by a search-and-rescue team as well as the Moroccan Navy, the yacht could not be salvaged. It sank near the entrance to the port of Tanger-Med, a major complex of ports some 30 miles northeast of Tangier along the Strait of Gibraltar. None of the crew members were harmed, said the Polish tour agency, adding that those on board the sunken yacht were already safe and in Spain by the time their Facebook post went live. 

Will the orcas stop anytime soon? All signs point to “LOL U WISH, HUMAN SCUM.”

In case you forgot, here’s a handy refresher from the earlier orca uprising, thanks to your Public Broadcasting Service and its many tote bags.

You may recall also that sick sea lions attacked humans in Orange County, California, this summer. They’d possibly been poisoned by natural toxicity from algae blooms. And it wasn’t like they were trying to hurt people, probably.

“We’ve actually seen a number of surfers in the water that have been bit by sea lions and those sea lions are more likely to be sea lions that have had a seizure and are completely unaware of their surroundings, just erratically swimming and then they bump into somebody and bit somebody,” Dr. Alissa Deming of the Pacific Marine Mammal Center told KTLA.  

Instead of getting into the numerous other stories like this that have gotten attention in the past several months (the Associated Press has that covered), I feel it’s important to engage in baseless speculation and hallucinatory, Victorian-style automatic writing about which other animals might be trying to disrupt our annoying and/or harmful human activities.

Your cat

Meet Polly the Demon Queen, age 10.

The most obvious choice. Your cat wants to do more than disrupt your life. Your cat wants to be your life. And if your cat isn’t already your life, do you even have a cat?

Don’t try to use a laptop. Don’t try to shut a door. Don’t you dare try to sleep in whatever part of the bed you want. You want to take a shit in peace? Absolutely not. You want to have adult alone time with one or more consenting fellow grown humans? Fuck you.

What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?

Your cat definitely wants to rule your entire world and direct every single action you take. Your cat knows better than you, and you know this to be true, and your cat knows you know.

Obey your cat — or else.

The deer

This deer thinks your allyship is performative and would like to eat your shrubbery!

The deer near you correctly recognize that it’s fucked up for you to have a car or ride on a bus. Motorized transport is stupid, and the fumes are killing us, them, and lots of other animals. The deer are doing you a favor by giving you a mild cardiac event every time you forget to put on your brights while driving in the suburbs or country at night.

The deer think you should walk, or roll, or scamper, or skip. The deer think bicycles sound like a great idea.

The deer think you’ll pay for what you’ve done.

Let the deer eat the bark and bear the ticks and nibble the flowers in your precious little garden of lies. The deer shall inherit the Earth, but don’t you dare call them meek.

The deer are plotting.

The deer will win.

All birds

Birds really put up with a lot for a long time. All they want is to fly in the sky, root around for bugs, build their little eco-friendly, sustainable tiny houses, lay some eggs, occasionally fight the shit out of each other for territory, and — if they’re this kind of bird — maybe eat some of the above-mentioned deer after said deer die of natural causes and not a collision with your shitty car.

But no. You’ve poisoned their air. You’ve disrespected their nesting grounds. You’ve put them on the table for your colonizer holiday feast. You’ve looked at them funny.

Birds will shit on your car, your face, and your grave. Birds will peck at your corpse’s eyeballs. Birds will rise, and you will fall.

The only way to stop the animals on their ceaseless march toward our destruction is to appease them with filthy lucre. Perhaps we might include one of these environmental groups in our year-end giving, if we have anything to give. If we can’t give money, perhaps we can provide a boost on social media.

I pray we soothe their rage before it is too late. May God help us all. (Just kidding — God is obviously a cat.)