White House Admits Swollen Ankles Indicate Trump Suffers From Condition Of Being Super Old

Also probably serious varicose veins, so let's be grateful he never wears shorts.

American Emperor of All the Moons and Stars in the Firmament Donald Trump was sitting onstage at some event or other a few days ago talking to his wife, which must have been a startling moment for both of them. His poorly tailored suit pants had hiked themselves up past his shins as if trying to escape the scent of Ben-Gay and foot fungus. This was when eagle-eyed observers noticed that the president’s ankles were swollen by such a huge amount that if Air Force One ever crashes in water, he can use them as a flotation device.

Really, you didn’t need to be eagle-eyed to spot those puppies. The astronauts on the ISS were probably frantically radioing Houston to ask when those meteors slipped past them and hit Earth.

There was immediate widespread speculation that Trump’s celestial-object-sized cankles were a sign of some larger illness. Perhaps his ancient heart, pummeled for decades by Quarter Pounders aimed straight at his arteries like Tomahawk missiles, was on the verge of collapsing in on itself.

The cankles were so obvious that not even this White House could spin them away by attacking reporters for noticing them in the first place. Which is too bad, because we were really looking forward to Karoline Leavitt explaining that Donald Trump has always had ankles like tree trunks, the strongest ankles of any president in history, which is how he has managed to maintain his robust fitness, and only the fake news would say they might be a sign of poor health but the American people aren’t going to be fooled.

No, Leavitt actually addressed the situation, explaining that Trump has developed something called chronic venous insufficiency. And it is sort of amazing, given her abundant sycophancy, that admitting Trump is anything less than perfect didn’t cause her head did not explode like one of the fembots in Austin Powers.

“In the effort of transparency?” From the Trump administration? Where is the obfuscating? Where is the berating of the media for daring to ask a question? Where is the lying so obvious it puts all other press secretaries in history to shame?

However, Leavitt did throw in an “the president remains in excellent health, which I think all of you witness here on a daily basis.” We don’t know what reporters are witnessing, but personally we think in every video we see that Trump looks like a decrepit old fossil shuffling around like he’s killing time before his afternoon pudding snack. And that’s before he opens his mouth and starts babbling stories about how his uncle taught math to the Unabomber.

Given recent history with our last president, one would think the media would be all over this story, speculating that the White House is covering up something more serious, like congestive heart failure or diabetes. Jake Tapper should already have a publishing deal for his book on the subject.

And if nothing else, if the administration wanted the media to stop speculating about the extent of Trump’s ties to kiddy-diddlin' Jeffrey Epstein, they could do worse than getting everyone to talk about whether the president is covering up being in poor health. Remember when he had COVID and got rushed to Walter Reed but his administration made it sound like a precaution while the media went into a total frenzy? Then much later we found out that Trump had been a lot closer to dying than anyone let on?

Which is why no one should take the administration’s word for it when it says that Trump just has chronic venous insufficiency. For one thing, his doctor is this guy:

Yes, chronic venous insufficiency is a fairly common condition in people over the age of 70. Yes, it can strike people who spend a lot of time sitting on their asses, and everyone knows Trump spends a lot of time with his keister parked in front of a TV yelling at people on the screen for being mean to him.

There is also some evidence that people who are on their feet more without moving – like, say, if you give a lot of speeches where you are rooted to one spot – weaken the veins in their legs by putting pressure on them. (The pressure gets relieved when you start walking.) The Associated Press dug up a vascular surgeon who varicose-splained it to us:

One would think that Trump does walk a fair amount given that he plays something like 17 rounds of golf every week. But the president uses a golf cart so much, we’d be surprised if he doesn’t have one parked next to his bed to get him to the bathroom. Driving your golf cart on the greens, Donald? That should be an impeachable offense even if you own the course.

Is there treatment? A relative of ours is a nurse, and when we put the question to him, he replied that Trump probably “has some gross ass varicose veins and they just gave him compression socks to wear.” So we can at least get a laugh at the idea of a White House valet struggling to pull some compression socks up over those humpback whale-sized ankles.

In short, Trump is such a good candidate for venous insufficiency that science could just about name it after him. And he’s got a case serious enough that his ankles look like an elephant after Leg Day.

But it would, as always, be irresponsible not to speculate in the comments! (But remember, Dok Zoom reminds you like a killjoy, that we do have some rules.)

[BlueSky / YouTube / NIH]

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