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Who Would Win In A Cage Fight Between Donald Trump And El Chapo?
Ooh ooh ooh! Donald Trump seems to have pissed off an ACTUAL Mexican crime-lord, and it is the biggest one of all: Sinaloa cartel leader Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán, who recently pulled off ANOTHER insane escape from prison, involving a tunnel that started in the shower in his jail cell and ended up almost a mile away in a house under construction. (Wonder if he had help!)
Trump, of course, has been on a pompous tirade lately about how the Mexican government is exporting rapists and murderers to the United States, which has strangely pissed off the millions of Mexicans who are not rapists or murderers. But, because Trump is so presidential, he decided he ought to get on Twitter and start talking shit about El Chapo, yeah, this is a good idea:
LOL no he wouldn't! And also, why would a United States president be "negotiating" with El Chapo in the first place? Sweet Jesus, Donald Trump is all ego and talk, but one gets the sense that, when push comes to shove, he'd probably lose a war of wits with a 5-year-old girl.
Regardless, El Chapo heard the message, and responded (yes he is TWEETING ON THE LAM, via an account reportedly run by his son). He had been tweeting profound high school guidance counselor poster-type things like "Un segundo basta para cambiar toda una historia" ("A second is enough to change history"), and then oh by the way, Donald Trump:
And what does that say translated into Press 1 For American? "Keep fucking around and I'm gonna make you swallow all your whore words, vain ass-fucker @realDonaldTrump" is what it says! (Some are translating it quite literally as "whitey milkshitter," which is another Mexican way of saying "assfucker.")
We had to speak to our AP Spanish teacher friend, because we think he's missing a word, or is being very slangy and casual, but we THINK he's going for something along the lines of "and later they complain that they get killed." Death threat? The two tweets are three minutes apart, but he didn't mention Trump in that tweet, so it's hard to say! (Get to work, Wonker Spanishes.) If so, then that's a thing that happened to Donald Trump because he couldn't keep his whore words in his mouth. (For the record, Trump is treating it as a death threat. )
And then? Actually, then El Chapo went back to all kinds of Hallmark shit like "never say never" and "If I could give the world a gift." Trump, for his part, continued picking stale dingleberries out of his hair and Twitter-flinging them at El Chapo, Chuck Todd for some reason, and then a whole bunch more at El Chapo who, again, may have just threatened to kill him. And cartel leaders? THOSE ARE THE MEXICANS THAT DO THAT STUFF.
Well, there's only one way to resolve this: CHARITY BOXING MATCH, YOU GUYS!