Discover more from Wonkette
Why Do I Have An Erection When Speaking In Tongues? A Wonksplainer
Not pictured: a couple of boners probably.
Well hello there, it's time for us to inaugurate a new series at Ye Olde Wonkette! Are you aware that, when you are a part of a vast media empire like Wonket, you can actually see the Google and Bing Jeeves searches that lead to your website, in real time? Usually, we see normal things like "George W. Bush drunk," because there is a news type thing about that happening RIGHT NOW.
But sometimes there are stranger things! Like this:
[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/crazy-tongue-speaking-prophet-lady-running-for-mayor-of-our-hearts"></a>[/wonkbar]If you cannot embiggen that, it is the very important question, "Why do I have an erection when speaking in tongues?" Huh! And that Google search does, indeed, on the second page of results, lead to a Wonk piece about this lovely tongue-speakin' Ohio lady who always runs for mayor of Toledo and loses. Her name is Opal Covey! Unfortunately, we do not think that post, or Opal Covey herself, has the answer to the burning, throbbing question in the anonymous Googler's pants. Why DOES he always have that boner when the Holy Spirit comes upon him (#thatswhatshesaid), just like He did to Jesus's followers at the Pentecost?
[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/rev-lou-engle-and-his-3-story-homosexual-jesus-giant"></a>[/wonkbar]That's a hard question, literally. There you are, standin' on the front row of the snake-handlin' Pentecostal church, learning about three-story tall homosexual giants in San Francisco, and all of a sudden you've got a boner. (That is a thing yr Wonket actually learned about at the Pentecostal church, READ IT.)
Here are the possibilities, according to Wonkette's vast fount of tongue-speakin' boner knowledge:
You are 16 years old. EVERYTHING gives you a boner right now. Riding in the car? Boner. Skinny dipping? Boner. Checking out the current sales at the Big Lots? Boner. Communing with the Holy Spirit, who is speaking jibber-jabber through your mouth in a secret language? Boner. Look, it is a weird time in your life, and trust us when we say it's happening to ALL kids your age. (Well, not the girls.) Give it a couple years and it will stop, we promise.
You are gay for the Holy Spirit, who wears normal robes and such when He visits the other congregants, but He knows how gay you are, so He wears a Speedo and nothing else when he cometh upon you. And ooh lord, His body is HOT. He knows how gay you are and that you like it. Stop being such a prick-tease, Holy Spirit, Tchad is just trying to worship here!
Maybe you are just turned on by the Lord's secret BLOBBER BLOBBER PRETEND WORDS language? Does it sound like sexxxy pillow talk to you, young man?
You are supposed to be taking Penicillin for your recent oral surgery, but in the rush to make it to church on time, you accidentally took a bunch of Cialis instead. "Sorry, Holy Spirit, didn't mean to come in here all boned up for glory, I eated the wrong prescription! No offense, OK?"
Maybe ALL tongue-speakers have boners all the time, but it's one of those things the faithful don't like to talk about, like pornography and how lots of youth pastors molest kids. Maybe you should start a support group called "Men Who Have A Hard-On For Jesus" and invite everybody you've ever met.
Maybe you are just pretending to speak in tongues, because tongue-speaking is fake after all -- look, even most Christians believe the Pentecost was a one time deal, so fuck off -- and instead you are distracted by the fake tongue-speaking piece o' ass in front of you, and before you know it, you're having a supernatural sex-perience in your brain. Oh, mercy! You must from now on tongue-speak behind an uggo who won't get you so hot and bothered.
Maybe it is this science thing about how brain activity during religious rapture is very similar to that during sex rapture i.e. orgasms. Does this mean at the end of tongue-speaking, all the Pentecostals jizz themselves?
Those are all the possibilities we can think of, but readers are free to help this poor, fully erect Googler find the answers he needs in the comments, which are not allowed.
Stay tuned for the next installment in this series, which will happen the next time somebody Googles an weird-ass thing that makes us LOL in the secret chatcave, hooray!