Will Jeff Sessions Fire Andrew McCabe And Steal His Pension Just To Make President Shit Baby Happy?

burn him!

Stop us if you've heard this one before! The President of the United States spends months bashing the deputy director of the FBI on Twitter, because Fox News has incessantly mama-birded into the stupid president's maw hole that said deputy director of the FBI is unfairly #RIGGED for the lady who lost the presidential race, by winning three million more votes than the guy who got "elected." After months of this -- and possibly because FBI dude is a witness in an investigation into the president -- FBI dude says, "Fuck this, I'm out." Exercises his option to retire with full benefits, and goes ahead and cuts out early because of all this vacation time he's accrued. President Dipshit will STFU now? Hahahahaha, sure.

Then, RIGHT before FBI dude's retirement becomes official, it's announced that the FBI, for very serious and not at all petty reasons, is recommending that guy be FIRED and possibly denied his pension, and that the final decision on that comes down to the attorney general. Coincidentally, the president has also been treating the attorney general like shit for months, because the attorney general followed the law by recusing himself from the very same investigation into the president the FBI dude is a witness in, because the attorney general was part of the president's campaign and also maybe perjured himself a tiny.

This is literally happening right now, to Andrew McCabe, whose very existence makes Donald Trump feel even more like a tiny man than he usually feels like:

The FBI office that handles employee discipline has recommended firing the bureau’s former deputy director over allegations that he authorized the disclosure of sensitive information to a reporter and misled investigators when asked about it — though Justice Department officials are still reviewing the matter and have not come to a final decision, a person familiar with the case said. [...]

Justice Department Inspector General Michael E. Horowitz has for some time been working on a report that blasts McCabe for allowing two high-ranking bureau officials to sit down with the Wall Street Journal as the news outlet prepared a report in 2016 on an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s family foundation, then misleading the inspector general’s team about his actions.

Oh Jesus Christ, give us a goddamn break. Also, the stuff McCabe reportedly helped leak, about Clinton Foundation investigations? HURT HILLARY CLINTON. And we all know how much it breaks Donald Trump's heart when people do that! After all, he fired James Comey for being unfair to Hillary, right? LOLOLOLOLOLOL KILL US NOW.

According to the  New York Times , which originally broke the story, "people inside the Justice Department" think McCabe will definitely be fired by Friday. But are they right?

As WaPo notes, this makes everything very "fraught," because if Jefferson Banana Puddin' Sessions doesn't fire McCabe, Republicans might (will) bitch and moan a lot. If Sessions does do it, all the normal people will be like "Jesus Christ, Jefferson, grow a pair of hickory nuts, IN YOUR PANTS."

Hey Legal Twitter, tell us how stupid it would be for Sessions to do this, on a scale of one to Eric Trump:

REAL DAMN STUPID, in other words.

In a normal world, this might be a routine thing, but this is not a normal world. It can't be, because of the political dynamic at play, where Donald Fucking Trump has been constantly and un-American-ly putting pressure on the FBI to can Andrew McCabe -- not for any actual offense, but because the president has trichinosis in his brain (allegedly). So, Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions has to decide whether to give the mouthy pig trash in the White House a reason to think he's "won," or whether to just say fuck it, let McCabe get his pension (BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY GONE ANYWAY, JESUS CHRIST) and risk making President Crotch Rot sooooooo ANG-WYYYYYYY! 

Everything about this is so fucking stupid.

So will he or won't he? Will Jeff Sessions decide that, even if this came through the normal processes in the FBI, it's not worth risking further Trump politicization of the Justice Department, especially considering what a fucking stiffy it would give Trump? Or will he just a be a total Trump sycophant about it, because nobody on the fucking planet thinks this is about "Justice Department Best Practices" at this point, like LOL!

We don't know, so stop asking us, because this post is OVER.

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[ Washington Post ]