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Wingnut Conspiracies About Hillary Clinton's Ailing Health Debunked By Jar Of Pickles
Monday night, Hillary Clinton went on the Jimmy Kimmel television program to say zingers and show off some new pantsuits, and during the interview, Kimmel brought up Hillary's ailing health, or rather, the right wing's obsession with her supposedly ailing health. He asked if she was currently dying, and instead of just answering the question, she answered, "Well, this has become one of their themes. Take my pulse while I'm talking to you." Jimmy responded, "There's nothing there!" Hillary continued:
Back in October, the National Enquirer said I would be dead in six months. So with every breath I take, I feel like it's a new lease on life.
[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/what-is-hillary-clinton-dying-from-today"></a>[/wonkbar]Notice how she DID NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION? Is that because the things everybody says -- like when Rudy Giuliani says to "go online" to see the "evidence" that Hillary is almost dead, or when wingnuts declare she can't stand up, or is dying of strokes and dementia and Parkinson's -- are TRUE? Or was Hillary doing that thing people do when they treat human interactions like conversations instead of interrogations, and bantering back and forth with Jimmy? A minute later, we got our answer, when Jimmy asked her to open a jar of pickles, and
her hand flew off and there was blood everywhere and the paramedics came and the only reason she survived is that she is the long foretold, immortal Benghazi Demonshe opened the jar of pickles.
You can see in the picture above that Hillary first delighted in the pickles. She then struggled mightily with the pickles:
Then she died of pickles:
But on the third day (or like a couple seconds later) she rose again from the pickles:
Hooray, Hillary defeated pickles! Can a frail, dying woman do that? We think not!
Our point, which exists, is have you noticed how Republicans really like to overreach when it comes to her? If they just mumbled under their breaths about how she's too old to do the job, that idea could possibly get stuck in the brains of a majority of the electorate. But no, she has to be DYING. She has to be concealing BRAIN DAMAGE. She has to have fucking DOWN SYNDROME. And, having made such goddamn ridiculous claims about her, they end up in a situation where their entire smear campaign can be undermined by Hillary opening a motherfucking can of whoop-ass on a jar of pickles on the Jimmy Kimmel TV show.
Unfortunately, many of the Hillary conspiracy theories wingnuts promote can't be solved as simply as "pickles." Consider:
Republicans don't just mutter amongst themselves that Hillary's State Department might have sorta engaged in a little bit of awfully close for comfort cronyism with the Clinton Foundation. (Though we should point out, as Breitbart notes, that the State Department says the latest email dump isn't evidence of criminal activity, but rather just How Shit Works, yes we just cited Breitbart, for LOLs.) No, the Clinton Foundation must instead be a "vast criminal conspiracy," according to WorldNetDaily rocket scientist Jerome Corsi.
Wingnuts don't just whisper to each other that one time Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster for deleting all the episodes of "The Good Wife" she had DVR-ed but hadn't had a chance to watch yet. Oh no, there must be a CLINTON BODY COUNT WITH ONE TRILLION NAMES ON IT. (Did you hear the latest SCOOP! on Vince Foster? It exists! It is in the Daily Mail and the fine, upstanding souls at WikiLeaks tweeted it, because "integrity.")
And of course, the Benghazi bullshit. Oh god, the Benghazi bullshit. Hillary did FOUR DEAD AMERICANS and she fuckin' loved every moment of it, according to the paint-huffing parts of the internet.
Of course, they did this to Barack Obama too, the Muslim fagosexual Kenyan from Indonesia who only has a short-form birth certificate, because only Real Americans get the long-form ones. Remember this moment, when John McCain had to comfort a clearly addled but sincerely fearful woman worried that Barack Obama was an Arab terrorist who would murder her in her Hoveround?
In that instance, John McCain, a good man, reassured the lady that Barack Obama is a good man who loves America and just disagrees with him on a lot of issues. However, in 2016, the top of the Republican ticket is a racist, screaming bird's nest made of boogersnot and orange hair named Donald Trump, whose entire campaign (besides the Mexican wall part) is predicated on encouraging the worst dishonest smear campaigns against Hillary. It's worth noting that he is THE SAME GUY who was and is one of the worst Obama birthers of all.
And some of the shit works, on a certain part of the electorate that's not that bright, and is brainwashed into a righteous rage by Fox News and talk radio -- Trump's base, in other words.
[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/gop-benghazi-press-conference-basically-just-trey-gowdy-stepping-repeatedly-on-own-dick"></a>[/wonkbar]But it's also a dark, dirty formula for painting Hillary Clinton as illegitimate. When Republican Trey Gowdy's latest Benghazi investigation crashes and burns; when the FBI investigates "emails" and finds nothing more than "emails"; and, once she is president, when whatever fucking "scandals" they make up for Hillary are inevitably exposed as bullshit, Trump's supporters will scream, "WHY DOES THAT BITCH KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT?" and "LOCK HER UP!" and "WHY ISN'T IT LEGAL TO MARRY MY SISTER IF WE LOVE EACH OTHER?"
Because it was all bullshit to begin with. Occasionally the "scandals" are easily debunked in five seconds or less -- like above, where Hillary beated pickles up, with her fists -- but other times, we have to suffer through investigation after investigation after investigation. The fact that Hillary is exonerated each and every time doesn't matter to the witch hunters, because that's not their point. "Winning" for them isn't putting Hillary in jail, but rather is the simple fact that all around the country, there are people whose first thought upon hearing the name "Hillary Clinton" is "she's a criminal."
Mission fucking accomplished, we guess.