Wingnut Matt Walsh: That Onion Story About The Five-Bladed Razor But It's Gay Dads And Sex Robots

At least it's a change from Dr. Seuss.

Funny how with Donald Trump gone and an actually competent president in the White House, the Right is right back to its Culture War games of old, at least in between efforts to make sure Republicans never have to face fair elections. Yesterday, Daily Wire columnist Matt Walsh devoted his internet video program to a rant about how America is bound for madness and destruction because liberals are out to wreck the family. Darn those liberal family wreckers! Seems they've been gunning for "the traditional family" forever! Or at least since the Christian Right discovered in the Reagan years that it could endlessly fundraise off the terrifying specter of Mom and Dad being sent to the gulag by lesbians who'll make your baby vote for Ted Kennedy.

So here's the relevant chunk of Walsh's rant, no doubt taken completely out of context to make him seem like an idiot:

Daily Wire host warns of a future with "four dads and three sex robots family units," adding "this is the path that… https: //t.co/AlWox6AFoQ

— Jason Campbell (@Jason Campbell) 1614714548.0 

Haha, we are kidding! There's no context in which this isn't idiotic!

We have seen three men call themselves dads. Soon, that's not going to be the strangest or most disturbing combination. Give it enough time and even the self-professed "conservatives" will be defending the three dad concept as valid and equal, while maybe offering polite pushback to the newer "four dads and three sex robots" family units. I wish I was exaggerating, but this is the path we put ourselves on when we moved away from the mother-father nuclear family structure.

Only four, Matt Walsh? FUCK EVERYTHING, WE'RE DOING FIVE. 

Now, a lot of people made fun of Walsh's dumb fretting about how marriage equality will be the doom of America, again, but much of that criticism misses a central flaw in his reasoning: Of course that scenario is going to be a disaster. Each dad would clearly need his own sexbot, lest fighting over scarce robot sex resources break out. That, or one poor guy is gonna have to just tape a dildo to the top of the Roomba. (Why yes, "dildo on a roomba" is something of a trope , one more data point for the imminent collapse of the family. From laughing.)

Sadly, once you get away from that fun Family Values Black Mirror episode pitch, Walsh's claims just come down to the same Culture War crap we've heard a million times since Pat Buchanan at the 1992 Republican convention, without even the wan hope that it might sound better in German. You see, the American Nuclear Family, the only family structure sanctioned by God Almighty (even if it's kind of a myth ), is simply the only family structure that can result in healthy, normal children who grow up to vote Republican and have sex in the missionary position (but only for the purpose of reproduction). Walsh's video snippet closes with what sounds like a call to arms, except he immediately concedes "we" have already lost:

We had it right the first time. That was right. Everything after that is wrong. And once you give up on that, there is no end. The truth is that every child needs and deserves both a mother and a father. We have to preserve that, or preserve nothing. There is no middle option. There is no compromise with moral insanity. You either fight it with all you have, on every field of battle, never giving in a single inch, or you surrender, and let it have its way with the culture. And we have obviously, in this culture, made our choice. And we chose very poorly.

Walsh also turned his video rant into a column at Ben Shapiro's Culture War Clearinghouse, in which he summarized (but did not link) the New York Post   story that got him so worked up in the first place: In 2017, a polyamorous gay "throuple" arranged, with the help of an egg donor and a surrogate, to have a baby, becoming the first family in California to have three parents listed on a birth certificate. Now the little girl is three and her dads have published a book, and the whole thing has Walsh really steamed, because he is very, very concerned about the mental and spiritual health of the little girl:

If you are feeling not-terribly-excited about our new and improved society where babies can have three dads, that's because you are a normal and sane person. Sure, the men feel great about their Dad Trio, but their emotional needs aren't the primary concern of normal and sane people. We are worried about the children, who are being regarded more as fashion accessories than human beings. To respect their humanity is to acknowledge that children need mothers, too. It is an absurd idea that the role of the mother can be adequately replaced just by adding more dads into the equation.

Don't those monstrous narcissistic dads know that children aren't mere fashion accessories to parade around? As anyone knows, children are placeholders to be used in making a political point about the degeneracy of modern mores.

No, don't go expecting Walsh to provide any evidence that children with loving same-sex parents are worse off; that's just a given for him. But we were at least amused by his defense of the "slippery slope" logical fallacy, since that's precisely what his four dads and three sexbots example is:

This is where the so-called slippery slope argument comes in, and it's whythose who warn about slippery slopes are usually proven correct,even as the Left guffaws at the notion that perhaps sometimes one thing might lead to another. [ Emphasis added ]

Hmm, those who warn that the very worst possible thing will happen are usually proved right? It's a persuasive argument, seeing as how Barack Obama became a dictator who put patriots in gulags, and death panels were absolutely real. Guess Pat Robertson was right when he predicted that hate-crimes protections for gay people would lead to the normalization of sex with ducks. So we'll close withGarfield(!!!! I hate Mondays) Garfunkel and Oates, who are wonderful:

Fact check: It was Bill O'Reilly who fretted marriage equality would lead to interspecies weddings — and that was goats. We need more accurate music videos.

[ Jason Campbell on Twitter / Daily Wire ]

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