Woke Feminist Newt Gingrich Has Idea For Speaker’s Race, Wanna Hear?

Where are you going?

Evan Hurst

Oct 23, 2023

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Another week of American life, another week of watching Republicans honk around like birthday clowns trying to elect a speaker of the House. This week the “Big Brother” house starts out fresh with nine (9) new candidates, and there’s no telling what kind of surprises or physical challenges are in store. Oh no, hope they don’t surprise everybody by letting Jim Jordan move into the house on episode five!

Newt Gingrich, whose own disgraceful run as speaker set the stage for where we are today as much as anything, had an idea on Fox News. What is his advice, Fox News asked. Well, he’s mad at the eight Republicans who “joined Democrats” to defeat Kevin McCarthy and got this disaster rolling in the first place. (Again, no party ever votes for the opposing party’s speaker nominees, and it is never Democrats’ responsibility to save Republicans from themselves. Fuck you.)

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NEWTICLES: Frankly, I wish — listen, I’ve talked about this — I wish they had a woman candidate out of all the candidates they’ve got running. Somebody like Elise Stefanik or Beth Van Duyne, who had been a mayor of a city before becoming a congresswoman. I think in some ways, given the level of rowdiness and the level of juvenile behavior, it’s conceivable that a female speaker would be more effective in actually getting them all to get together and stick together. That’s the key; they have to learn to stick together.

Awww that’s nice. Boys will be boys, after all! Li’l stinkers!

It is indeed notable that out of all the people running for speaker, they are all men. Of course, that’s pretty much to be expected, considering how we are talking about Republicans. Shock: eight out of nine of them are also white.

While we commend Newt Gingrich for being such a woke feminist — yep that’s him — that he thinks it’s “conceivable” that a woman could do a better job of bringing the caucus together, we are wondering if Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene or Speaker Lauren Boebert or Speaker Nancy Mace would really be a unifying force. Or even Speaker Elise Stefanik, as Gingrich mentioned. She’s a real two-faced asshole, that’s for sure.

Oh well, no need to worry our pretty little brains about it, at least not this week. Maybe after they vote some people out of the “Big Brother” house and it’s time for Sweeps Week.

“The Republican Speaker’s Race: This Time, There’s Some Girls!”

We’re sure the marketing department will figure it out.