Vice President and number one on God’s list of regrets JD Vance was in Michigan this week, trying to drum up enthusiasm for Mike Rogers. The Republican nominee for the Senate, whose campaign this week resorted to having his wife stand in a gas station parking lot handing out $10 gift cards to drivers paying more for gas because of his party’s numbskull governance, is still running neck and neck with the Democrat, Abdul El-Sayed, in a race that could very well decide which party controls the Senate next year.
The latest target of Vance’s demand for gratitude is El-Sayed, who made the mistake, as far as Vance is concerned, of worshipping the wrong god and having the wrong skin color. Vance gave a speech in Michigan this week in which he called El-Sayed a “weasel” who should “shut his mouth and show a little gratitude” towards America instead of, we guess, showing some unspecified animus at a frequency so high only dogs and JD Vance can hear it:
JD Vance is very big on gratitude. As in, certain people should show more of it. Like Volodymr Zelenskyy. And Ilhan Omar. And Kamala Harris. And Zohran Mamdani. And Joy Reid.
Hm, foreign Jew, naturalized Somali Black Muslim immigrant woman, Black woman, naturalized Ugandan immigrant, Black woman. Is anyone else seeing a pattern of a white Christian man demanding non-white, non-Christian, foreign-born, OR non-men show a little gratitude towards the greatest country ever that has given them all so much?
Now we guess we can add Abdul El-Sayed to the list of non-white people that JD Vance, the one-third-of-a-term Senator whose billionaire sugar daddy handed him the cash to rocket to a prominence he neither deserves nor has the maturity and emotional capacity to handle, thinks should be a little more grateful and a little less aware of all the bigotry that has for centuries in America been directed at them and people who look like them by the likes of, well, JD Vance.
The dignity that JD Vance brings to the vice presidency really can’t be understated. No, seriously, it would be physically and verbally impossible to understate the amount of dignity that attached itself to Vance as he slithered into the office. He’s probably got exponentially more pocket lint.
Sure, VPs have often been attack dogs saying the things that presidents wish they could. But Donald Trump has never had a thought he wouldn’t express like a Pekinese’s anal gland. So that old president/vice president dynamic is flipped on its head and leaves JD Vance looking like a pathetic and off-putting try-hard. He’s the kid no one ever wanted to pick for their kickball team not because of a lack of athleticism, but because he’s so annoying.
Have some class, man. It’s fine for Wonkette to call you names, that’s our job. It’s fine for us to call you a dimwitted fuck weasel, an aborted pig fetus, a puffy-faced taint goblin, a brainless shit gibbon, a tiny-dicked poop ogre, a turtle-brained fuckwit, a lecherous puppy diddler, a beady-eyed mouse turd, a pudding-brained imbecile, a bearded ninnyhammer, a degenerate llama fucker, a slow-rotting whale carcass, a debauched mud mutant, a mewling abomination, and a depraved sack of ape cum. Like we said, it’s our job.
Maybe that’s what offends us about his calling El-Sayed a “weasel.” It’s so basic. At least show some creativity. Show us that three years in the august halls of Yale Law School and marriage to a woman who taught you all sorts of important class markers like which fork to eat salad with turned you into a person with a vocabulary of more than three words.
We might have some respect for Vance’s whole “blue-collar boy with no pedigree reaches highest corridors of American power through sheer grit and determination” shtick if he ever showed a lick of appreciation for what people who aren’t him sometimes face to attain their own success and prominence. Oh, who are we kidding, we would still not have any respect for this craven nullity that the writer Jamelle Bouie has dubbed a “miserable little pig man.”
To his credit, El-Sayed treated Vance’s oleaginous whimpering with all the contempt it so richly deserves:
Buckeyes, for those who don’t know, are trees. Something for wolverines to piss on.
Ha ha ha, it’s going to be so much fun to watch JD Vance grit his teeth while swearing El-Sayed in on a stack of Korans in January. Aside from Donald Trump tripping and falling off the Truman Balcony after blinding himself during the next eclipse, we may want to see nothing more.
It is a measure of how little juice Vance has that he stepped into one of the most ancient and primal Rust Belt blood feuds — Ohio versus Michigan — and was immediately verbally stomped like a bushel of Abruscos in a wine vat. It’s a measure of his awkward loserdom that he, an Ohio native and Ohio State University alum, turned himself into a historic joke of a footnote in the great rivalry. He’s like if the Toledo War was a person — a soft nothingburger, lots of bark but no bite.
We [Gary, Gary means, we the editrix are De2roiters now] have no ties to Michigan, but we are now Team Wolverine, at least until we no longer have to see JD Vance’s smug visage darkening our laptop screen.
There has never been a better or more necessary time to support independent media. Wonkette is independent media. You see where we’re going with this?
At least Katie Zacharia can fall back on her career as a Chinese lawyer.
Okay, most have already heard that Katie Zacharia got the axe after half a Scaramucci. Kristi Noem also got fired... again.