Wonkagenda: Friday, October 7, 2016

Morning Wonkers! Here's some of the stories we may be making dick jokes about today!

•  Florida Governor Rick Scott has decided NOT to extend voter registration, despite the fact that it's literally being hit by a fucking hurricane right now.

•  The pound sterling suffered a "flash crash" this morning, losing as much as 10% of its value. USA, USA, USA, USA!

• Donald Trump loves to boast about how he warned about the great recession and the collapse of the real estate market, but in the real world he was just a con artist shilling his personal brand of bullshit. (Your editrix did though! Her for president or whatever, except she doesn't want it, gross.)

• When Donald Trump bilked the American people out of almost a billion dollars to "come back," he was really just stepping on small businesses and screwing over the little people. 

• Paul Ryan is about to comb Trump's mullet of over-grown pubic hair in public when he stumps for Trump in Wisconsin on Saturday. Poor Paul Ryan. So sad. 

• Darryl Glenn, a Colorado Senate candidate, thinks rape babies are "a gift from god," and that he shouldn't have to pay for your abortion, you hussy!

• The people of Colorado are probably just messing with pollsters now that at least a quarter of the population is still undecided (HOW?) so campaigns are bombarding residents with ads.

• Planned Parenthood wants to touch all the millennials really bad, so PP is spending $30 million for GOTV operations in swing states. 

•  The Humane Society is even jumping in on the dump trump movement, and is buying ads that say Trump kicks puppies, and reminding you that Trump's creepy cartoonish spawn like to hunt defenseless animals raised in captivity. Like father, like mattress stain.

• Those whacky gun fetishists at the NRA have been dumping money into Republican Senate races. Aren't guns supposed to make you feel safe?

• Matt Drudge thinks that hurricane that killed over 300 people in Haiti, leveled parts of the Caribbean, and is currently beating bejesus out of Florida is apparently an Obama-controlled conspiracy to trick you into believing climate change. Yes, Bamz can control the weather.

• This Florida Man thinks Bamz had nothing to do with weather, and that the hurricane is just an angry Jesus punishing all those gay-mo-sexuals! 

•  Rudy Giuliani's daughter will vote super hard for Clinton, probably because she's not a crazy, loudmouth dick head blowing another crazy, loudmouth dickhead.

• Evan McMullin, that guy everyone has every reason to forget, picked (another) running mate. 

•  Tony Perkins would rather not have a standing military than have one populated with trans people. What would they know about peeing while standing up anyway?

• Nixonian sleazebag and Roger Stone is picking a fight with Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, probably because she refused to get a Nixon tattoo and sell what's left of her soul to Trump for pennies on the dollar.