Wonkagenda: Friday, September 2, 2016

Hey there, Wonketariate! It's finally Friday and that means there's only a few hours left before it's socially acceptable to start drinking heavily during the day!

• LOLOLOL Trump's team doesn't trust him enough to be interviewed by a black church leader, so they wrote a script that he probably won't even read.

• You guys remember that time we told you about how Florida's A.G dropped an investigation of Trump University because reasons? A Trump charity just got stung by the IRS after it donated $25,000 to said A.G. and tried to hide the cash around the same time as the investigation.

• Putin says he has NO IDEA who's been hacking the DNC, and that all the haters are using "shock tactics." He's a ex-Russian spy, he'd know.

• So Trump started his business by screwing around with the mafia and other mob leaders because he could make more money, despite warnings from the FBI.( archived alternate )

• Trumpkin and all around super jerk, David Duke, got a wittle-bitty boner as stiff as his Nazi salute when he heard Trump's immigration speech. Typical.

• A Virginia state Senator really doesn't like Gov. Terry McAuliffe's plan to allow nonviolent ex-felons to vote, so he's got his own plan to allow ex-felons to vote that's not all secretly racist.

• Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx has told the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy that nobody will graduate until they all stop being touchy-feely sexist assholes to women. 

• Gary Johnson's Sedan of Sadness may just have to cruise on without making a pit stop for the debates because he still isn't polling high enough. PATHETIC!

• "God" is a Republican, and is running for president in New York, and now the FEC wants proof that God actually exists. 

• The founder of Latinos for Trump is TERRIFIED that there might be a "taco truck on every corner" if Trump loses the election. Full disclosure: Chicago has people that go to bars with coolers full of tamales and tortas, and it's awesome!

• And here's some morning Nice Time from Seth Meyers about the shitty weather and why it sucks sweaty balls.