Wonkagenda: September 27, 2016

Well, hey there, Wonkers! Did you watch the debate last night? Of course you did! Shake off your hangovers and snuggle up at your desk with yr Wonkette. LET'S DO THIS!

• • In case you've been living in the pit of toxic sludge with Roger Ailes and the ghost of Richard Nixon, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton had a debate last night. TLDR: Trump got beat by a girl!

  • Kellyanne Conway was already on the teevee box this morning trying to spin Donald Trump's miserable failure. 

  • Donald Trump seems to have thrown a literal temper tantrum after the debate. What a PATHETIC disgrace, a real LOW ENERGY lightweight! Sad!

  •  Rudy Giuliani thinks Trump crashed and burned because Chelsea Clinton . Literally!

  • You probably didn't notice it, but Trump was sniffling and snuffling like sick old man, or just a regular old man with a cocaine addiction.

  • Gross Nixonian hatchet man Roger Stone was on Alex Jones's cavalcade of crazy last night, saying Hillary Clinton was IMMEDIATELY put on an oxygen tank after the debate, as if she were some kind of Barbie being returned to the toy store. Silly man, that was Reagan.

  • Oregon Democrat Sen. Ron Wyden wants to go all Carmen Sandiego on U.S. corporations hiding all their monies in the places of Not America.

  • Most of the Congress critters have been slacking off sooo much that they aren't even bothering to show up to work. 

  • Bernie's brother, Larry Sanders, has decided to run for British Parliament!Why does Larry Sanders hate America so much? Is he a commie traitor too? 

  • The complete abject failure that is the Jill Stein Soylent Scooter broke down at Hofstra University last night, and was ecorted off campus.

  • Palmer Lucky, the dorky basement dweller who made Occulus Rift (a new-fangled virtual boobie machine you wear on your face) is being defended by his minions for being a Trumpkin. 

  • One of those Duck Dynasty dinguses wants to vote for Jeebus because Jeebus was a real American patriot (even though he was brown-skinned Jewish hippie from the Middle East). But where's the birth certificate???

• America's xenophobic Grandmas across America are preparing to forward this new pic of Obama in a silly hat to every contact in their AOL address books. 

• And here's your morning Nice Time! It's emperor penguins being adorable because you earned it!