Wonkagenda: Thursday, October 13, 2016

Ahoy there, Wonketariate! Yr News Brief will be a little rough today, but it's important to talk about some of these things because they're NOT O.K.! Now, here's some of the stories Yr Wonkette will make you laugh about instead of being all sad and stuff!

•  Two women have come forward to publicly detail incidents in which Donald Trump sexually assaulted them. Donald Trump maintains it's TOTALLY not true, he's going to sue The Old Grey Lady, and that their reporter is a "disgusting human being."

• The Palm Beach Post ALSO has a story about a time when Trump ALLEGEDLY groped a woman at Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort while she was helping her friend take photos of a Ray Charles concert. And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling reporters, and that cock-blocking wife of his!

• What, you weren't already absolutely disgusted by stories of Donald Trump sexually assaulting women? That's great news because here's the story of a writer for People Magazine, Natasha Stoynoff, who went to Mar-a-Lago and ALLEGEDLY had to taste some Trump-brand tongue. 

• OK, so maybe Trump molesting women on planes and in elevators is hard to prove, regardless of the mental scars left behind by sexual trauma. But what about the times Trump barged in on Miss Teen USA pageant contestant dressing rooms like a pig in heat?

•  Trumpkins now want to repeal the 19th Amendment because math genius Nate Silver was screwing around with an abacus and theorized that Trump could win the election if women couldn't vote. Suffering suffrage attack!

• British Prime Minister Theresa May is backing a plan to stop "maternity tourism" which would require people to show their passports to get abortions because apparently vaginas are now customs and immigration checkpoints. PAPERS, PLEASE!

•  Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell's legacy this year will be (shockingly) how little they were able to get done by being obstructionist morons who are so out of touch with the rest of society that they feel content to refuse compromises because it might hurt the feelings of their donor base.

• Apparently the only thing Donald Trump isn't putting his hand on is the wallets of his employees as many Trump employees have decided not to donate money to Trump's election campaign. It's OK, he's self-funded anyway, right?

• You know how Kellyanne Conway is SO good at using smoke and mirrors to explain every single business and morale failure Donald Trump commits by blaming it on other people? Watch as Anderson Cooper goes all silver fox on Kellyanne after suggesting that settling lawsuits is an admission of guilt. 

•  The debate topics for the final presidential debate have been announced, and it doesn't include climate change, but it does include SCOTUS, immigration, entitlements. Good thing those mean 'ol super-storms know not to mess with America!

• The Washington Post editorial board has endorsed Hillary Clinton! LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS!

• Here's Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov calling people in our presidential campaign "a bunch of pussies" during an interview with Christiane Amanpour. OMG, we are so not pussies, take it back!

• Here's some nerdy and easy to digest movie time breaking down both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton's tax plans. 

• Here's some Nice Time! It's Joe and Jill Biden being adorable on Seth Myers!

• Here's even MORE NICE TIME! It's kittens! You deserve kittens!