Wonkagenda: Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Morning Wonkers! Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette might be 'splainering and inserting pee pee jokes into today!

• George "Poppy" Bush will vote for Hillary. ( Pause for laughter ).

• Donald Trump Jr. said some really mean things on Twitter about Skittles and Syrian refugees, and Skittles responded with a hearty, "WTF?"

• The United Nations just suspended all aid convoys in Syria in response to an attack, probably with the hopes that the bad guys will finally have nothing left to destroy or kill but themselves. Good thing the U.N. is meeting today to contemplate possibly thinking about maybe making an attempt at resolving the definition of a complete clusterfuck.

•  Donald Trump loves the Jews so much that he's spending a lot of money to convince Israeli-Americans to vote for him in Florida, New York, and New Jersey. “Oy, gevalt!

• In case you were wondering why people in Chicago really fucking hate Mayor Rahm Emanuel, it's because (aside from a massive amount of gang violence) the city is broke from decades of shitty management and corruption, AKA: "Chicago Politics."

• A cookie box at a gas station in Nowheresville, Pennsylvania scared the bejesus out of some people, so they called in a bomb squad to confirm that baklava is, in fact, delicious.

• Sheldon Adelson has surfaced from the sludge pit to kill medical marijuana in Florida, and to give Donald Trump a truck load of cash. 

• The Internet thinks it found Hillary Clinton's I.T. guy's Reddit account where he was trying to Benghazi some Benghazi emails.

• North Carolina Senator Richard Burr is a lazy asshat, according the GOP, and might lose his job.

•  Reince Priebus kind of sort of doesn't want JEB! or John Kasich to run for president because they're boring old white guys with low energy. John Kasich basically told Priebus to remember to fuck himself while he licks Trumps ass.

•  Tea Party jerkoffs in the House don't feel like sharing their money with the rest of the House like they're suppose to because Freedom Ain't Free, and Can't Nobody Hold Me Down, and No Rules!

• Prepare to welcome your new autonomous robot overlords now that the Obama administration is giving the OK to self-driving cars. 

•  Florida wants to allow former felons to vote because allowing Cuban and Messican immigrants just rubs all the wrinkly olds the wrong way.

• Some gay-hatin' ladies were ordered to make wedding invites for the gays they hate.

• The federal government announced the winners for people who don't suck at their job! Look at these hard working, and seemingly average people!

• Here are the debate topics for the first presidential debate next Monday. Remember to join yr Wonkette in Chicago, or for the liveblog!

•  Rick Perry did another dance thing on one of those tired celebrity dance shows. This time it was "Green Acres."

•  Hill-dawg did Fallon last night. It was all right, and you can't blame him too much for being lame considering the millions of Ameros he gets paid to not be funny.

• Here's your morning Nice Time! It's Colbert being funny and making political satire about Donald Trump, (unlike Jimmy Fallon).