Wonkagenda: Wednesday, 7/20/2016
Good Morning, wonkers! Here are some of the stories that may grace the pages of your Wonkette today!
Donald Trump officially became the Republican nominee for president last night. White nationalists couldn't be happier , they finally have something to hang on to.
Preparing for a string of huge embarrassing failures, the youngest and whitest men in the Republican party are already salivating for a 2020 presidential run. Oh, ye of little faith!
We're not done beating Melania Trump's bootleg speech to death because that shit is just too funny .
Donald Trump Jr. copied his stepmom and copied part of his speech too! Remember, kids, cheaters ALWAYS prosper.
Ben Carson went and cranked his crazy up to 11 last night and seriously implied that Hillary Clinton is a Satanist . Remember: this man is a pediatric neurosurgeon who ran for president.
Roger Ailes is about to get booted out of Fox News for being a bit rapey, and Fox News teevee people might start their own network , with explosions, and freedoms, and eagles, or whatever.
Filthy shitwaffle Milo Yiannopoulos is permanently suspended from Twitter for being a racist , bottom-feeding opportunist (with shitty hair).
Latino teevee people are not a fan of Mike Pence because he's bestest friends with Donald Trump.
Some Senators feel super icky about Trump , so they're trying not to make a big deal about it by just avoiding the big, wig-wearing elephant in the room.
Everyone loves our Barry Bamz SO much right now (except Melania, she loves Michelle)!
#NeverTrumpers made one, final last gasp (for Ted Cruz) yesterday afternoon, only to be reminded that everybody hates Ted Cruz.
Republicans don't just hate Washington D.C. lobbyists and politicians, they hate D.C. residents , and D.C.'s GOP delegates too.
The great mystery behind just who is Andy Wist was solved last night. Spoiler alert: he's just some asshole who talks a little funny.
There's someone here asking for funding for Bernie Delegate can make it to the convention. I don't even know what to say - "What do you hope to accomplish there?" I suppose if their goal was to be gracious, I might contribute out of a sense of fair play, but I'm not even going there with them.
The annukai - the reptile people here from planet niburu which passes by earth every 26,000 years is coming for their gold in a couple weeeks. Their Leader Luci F. Er will descend from the heavens and castrate all the humans who haven't mined up enough gold for them, and then nuclear bomb us back to the stone age so we have to start again. They'll take all those who have a golden ticket up to their spacehip comet and make them gods.