Wonkette Movie Night: WarGames

'A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?'

Imagine handing over control of our nuclear missiles to AI.

That’s basically what happens in this 1983 movie. NORAD decides that a supercomputer that learns from simulations is better at deciding to launch missiles than humans, because humans are too sensitive to push the button at the thought of causing nuclear destruction. I did say this was in 1983.

The computer they create is a whopper, or WOPR, War Operation Plan Response, with the sweet nickname of Joshua. WOPR has fun games like chess, checkers, backgammon, poker, Theaterwide Biotoxic and Chemical Warfare, and Global Thermonuclear War. There’s lots of possible problems with allowing tech bros unfettered access to the computers that control something so important just so they can supposedly save us from ourselves. Yes, I am talking about WarGames.

Because they left a backdoor open and a teenaged hacker, David, walked right in, just wanting to play some games. The game David picked was Global Thermonuclear War, not realizing he had gotten into WOPR (Joshua) at the DOD’s Cheyenne Mountain Complex.

David and Joshua start playing and Joshua doesn’t realize it’s a game and before you know it the nation is at DEFCON level OH SHIT and on the brink of WWIII. As NORAD tries to solve the problems, the FBI has found David, although David escapes and finds Joshua’s creator, Falken. Through movie magic they all end up at NORAD trying to help stop what Joshua has started. Falken explains that he created Joshua to help us learn what not to do.

The whole point was to find a way to practice nuclear war without destroying ourselves. To get the computers to learn from mistakes we couldn't afford to make. Except, I never could get Joshua to learn the most important lesson. Futility.

So begins the most intense game of tic-tac-toe ever played. Joshua needs to learn what humans are assumed to know intrinsically, like that MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) means everybody dies. Can the computer learn the value of life over the need to win a game? Will it realize before the missiles are launched that

The only winning move is not to play.

WarGames is available for free with ads on Tubi, Pluto TV, and the Roku Channel. $3.99 in the usual places. Free on BYUtv.

WarGames stars Matthew Broderick, Ally Sheedy, Dabney Coleman, John Wood, Eddie Deezen, Barry Corbin, Juanin Clay, and Michael Madsen. Directed by John Badham.

To make requests and see the movie lists and schedules go to WonkMovie.

The animated short is Corail created by Céanie Aouba, Nawel Boudouni, Ilona Desaulty, Ambre Goujon, Adeline Lafont, Anna-Sarah Lascar, Gillian Montagne, and Pauline Salles for ESMA Movies.

Next week’s Movie Night selection is celebrating the upcoming 40th anniversary of Labyrinth, it is available with subscription on Hulu, Disney+, Netflix, and Peacock. Free with ads on YouTube, Tubi, Plex, Pluto TV, and The Roku Channel. $3.99 in the usual places.

Popcorn and movies, perfect companions. Everyone knows that I always finish mine before the movie starts. I like trying different flavors, here’s my recommendation for tonight, it reminds me of garlic bread. I start with Bob’s Red Mill kernels, cooked in peanut oil, then tossed with garlic flavored olive oil. Season with Penzeys Brady Street cheese sprinkles and a bit of smoky seasoned salt. And don’t even try to save it for the movie, dig in!