Wonkette Movie Night: Zombieland

'Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?'

We’ve talked before about how zombies have a whole array of their own special characteristics. Breaking it down, there’s fast vs. slow or infected vs. undead. The zombies of Zombieland are of the infected variety. This also makes them fast zombies. That’s the easy way filmmakers get around the whole problem of how can a rotting corpse run like Sha'Carri Richardson winning a gold medal. It is explained in the beginning that the raging cannibals have been infected with mad cow disease.

“A fast acting virus that left you with a swollen brain and a raging fever that made you hateful, violent and gave you a really bad case of the munchies.”

That’s part of the narration given throughout the film by Jesse Eisenberg’s character, Columbus. He is named for the Ohio city, as the group of people at the heart of the film go by their cities of origin. He is joined by Tallahassee, Wichita, and Little Rock on a journey that really has no true direction. Even though some people assume one of the few blessings of a crumbling society would be a lack of rules, Columbus has his own set of rules for surviving the apocalypse. Here are the ones he gives throughout the movie. What would you add to the list?

1. Cardio (fast zombies means you need to run fast too!)

2. Double tap (not referencing beer)

3. Beware of bathrooms (well this just goes without saying)

4. Fasten your seatbelts (do it now, why wait for an apocalypse?)

7. Travel light (works currently because baggage fees suck)

17. Don’t be a hero (or be a hero, this one’s not set it stone)

18. Limber up (when running from the previously mentioned fast zombies you don’t want to be like Aaron Rodgers in his first season with the Jets)

22. When in doubt, know your way out (like when stuck in a boring zoom meeting and there’s that little door symbol that’s just begging to be clicked)

31. Check the back seat (every horror film buff knows this to be true)

32. Enjoy the little things (some of them can take up the biggest part of your heart)

My little things, Harry and Bear.

Zombieland stars Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, and Bill Fucking Murray. Directed by Ruben Fleischer.

Zombieland is available with subscription on Netflix. $3.99 in the usual places.

To make requests and see the movie lists and schedules, go to WonkMovie.

The animated short I have for you is from 2017, Less Than Human by The Animation Workshop.

Tomorrow, Oct. 13, is the Cleveland Wonkmeet which works out great because I’m currently in Cleveland! And yes it does indeed ROCK. We will be meeting at the Kensington Pub, 2260 Lee Rd., Cleveland Heights from 5-7:30 p.m.

For info contact The Estivating Hibernian: Theestivatinghibernian@gmail.com