Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 Has A MONKEY ON ITS HEAD!

You come read your top 10 stories RIGHT NOW!

Wonkette, you have surely been asking, how do you do read so much news, FOREVER, and mostly about that fucking human shitbucket, without murdering everybody right in their dumb faces? Well, we don't believe in murder, for one, except via SHARP TONGUE. And second, we have a magnificent staff that YOU have given us, whether through the handy widget at bottom, or via our patreon, or perhaps you even send a check in the mail to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860, for old times' sake! Yes, you buy us a staff, and the server costs, and healthcare, and SALARIES so we can do things like "take a week off the internet entirely and go to Mexico, where we still are actually, pero trabajo es mejor aqui than at home, however you say 'than at home' in Spanish."

Who's sunscreened and wearing a hat and a wrap and rested and ready for some TOP TEN and then MEXICO PIX? Me too!

10. An Elegy For Elizabeth Warren. I realized afterward "elegy" probably doesn't take an article, oh well, POBODY'S NERFECT.

9. What We Talk About When We Talk About Nice Things. I assume this was nice!

8. Trump Acknowledges First Coronavirus Death While Still Insisting It's All A Hoax . Yeah, sounds about right.

7. Elizabeth Warren Is Out Of The 2020 Campaign, Not Out Of The 2020 Fight. Correct, Dok!

6. Maybe Roger Stone Just High On CHRIST, You Dicks . Roger Stone had something wrong with his jaw. And his brain. Couldn't quite put our finger on it.

5. We'll Call It 'Grander For Sanders' . Oh, this was me! I thought it was a good idea!

4. Happy Trails, Trader Joe . This was me too! It was a nice little post. Like their stores!

3. Alex Jones Not Bragging, But He's Had Sex And Done Some Killings . This one came out ONE MINUTE after Grander for Sanders, whoops my bad. Anyway, definitely don't admit to murder.

2. This Is Your South Carolina Primary Semi-Live Blog And Open Thread! This was a semi-live blog and open thread! It turned out to be A QUICK ONE!

1. It's Super Tuesday! Thanks For Asking . Dok, manning the liveblog!

I wrote nine posts this week. I am never writing again.

Now gather round, it's time for PIX!

And no, we're never coming back. Until Thursday I guess : (

Thanks for the salaries! I FUCKING NEEDED IT.