Boy Howdy, Paul Manafort Must Be Hiding Something Fucking YOOGE!

WHOA IF TRUE!

Rarely do American citizens take a moment to think to themselves, "I wonder how Paul Manafort is feeling IN JAIL." And they're not gonna start now! But ABC News has a scoop about what's going on behind the scenes as Manafort prepares to be found extremely guilty on charges such as Russian money laundering shit and witness tampering in a DC courtroom, after having been found extremely guilty a few weeks back in a Virginia courtroom.

SOURCES SAY that Manafort just really wants to plead guilty to some stuff, but that negotiations are at a standstill because stinky special counsel Robert Mueller wants the dumb-faced motherfucker with bad posture to be a cooperating witness, because that is what he has always wanted.

Specifically:

Sources tell ABC News that Mueller's office is seeking cooperation from Manafort for information related to President Donald Trump and the 2016 campaign. Manafort, however, is resisting and his team is pushing prosecutors for a plea agreement that does not include cooperation, at least as related to the president, sources said.

Read that again, because we don't want you to miss how Mueller wants cooperation on stuff about DONALD TRUMP, and Manafort doesn't want to cooperate on issues that are about DONALD TRUMP. Sounds like the "sources" for this article are very close to Manafort, and they are screaming "PARDON ME!" and not just because they are doing a lot of wet poots.

"Hint hint, Mister President! remember how you said I was so brave for not flipping like a common dolphin named Flipper?"

And because Paul Manafort and his lawyers are idiots, in leaking this, Manafort might be stating for the record that he really could flip on Trump, because he has shit on Trump. (Unless he really doesn't! It's impossible to know exactly what Manafort knows from these negotiations, but for what it's worth Rudy Giuliani says the White House is fine with whatever Manafort decides to do, because Manafort is "honorable" and has nothing bad to tell Mueller about Trump. Giuliani also says they have a joint defense agreement! Rudy Giuliani always tells the truth.)

But if Rudy Giuliani is full of shit (perish the thought), we think Paul Manafort might have a lot to say.

We have always kind of figured that Paul Manafort is the one who knows the whole Trump-Russia conspiracy story. He was the first big fish indicted, and they hit him for A LOT. Also note that just about all the other prosecutions that have come from the Mueller investigation so far have been farmed out by Mueller to different jurisdictions. Manafort, on the other hand, Mueller has kept squarely in his office. There has to be a reason for that.

Perhaps it's because, as this Josh Marshall podcast suggests, Paul Manafort, a foreign agent who worked for Oleg Deripaska, AKA Putin's favorite oligarch, and who got sideways financially with Deripaska, was literally sent into the Trump campaign by the Kremlin to do its dirty work. Perhaps the Steele Dossier is right when it suggests that the entire Trump-Russia election-stealing conspiracy was run by Manafort on the Trump side, and that others like (perhaps!) Michael Cohen only had to take over when Manafort's shit started to stink and the news media started reporting on his weird-ass Russian connections in the summer of 2016.

Perhaps that's why Manafort was reportedly playing on his phone like a bored person (he took a few notes, but otherwise nah) during the June 9, 2016, Trump Tower Treason Meeting set up by Don the Dipshit, maybe because Manafort knew he was the one doing the real conspiracy, and why is this greasy-haired Trump sperm mistake with the incorrect face bothering him with pissant amateur Russian conspiracies right now?

Here are some things we imagine are weighing on Paul Manafort's mind right now:

1. Paul Manafort has already been convicted of eight felonies in Virginia, and would have been convicted of ten more if there hadn't been one dimwit juror. Now he's set to go on trial for a hundred more felonies in DC. He's already going to be in prison well into his 70s, assuming he doesn't die of something before then. Does he want to go to prison for MORE felonies for even longer, and probably die there, if he goes to trial?

2. Will Donald Trump pardon him? Y/N? As far as we know, the answer on that one is "Reply hazy, try again." But PLEEEEEEEASE, TRUMP, PLEEEEEEEEASE!

3. Even if Trump pardons him, can he still go to prison for state crimes we don't even know about yet?

4. If, as we suspect, the truth of the matter is that Manafort knows the warmth and depth of the WHOLE STORY of Russian conspiracies with Trump, is he likely to get polonium-ed to death by Vladimir Putin's henchmen if he talks? Y/N? Our suspicion here is that the answer is, "It is decidedly so."

So our guess here is that Paul Manafort is trying to thread the tiniest needle, because if he can avoid another trial and cop to some charges for a lighter sentence, and if he can convince Robert Mueller just to drop this whole "cooperation" thing and let him plead out, then maybe best case scenario, Trump pardons him, and worst case scenario, he has to go to prison for a while, but has a chance of seeing his grandchildren before he dies of a non-polonium-related cause.

But for real, though, he is BEGGING BEGGING BEGGING for a pardon right now.

But if he has to talk ...

MAN, he must be hiding the hugest fucking story.

Oh no, Paul Manafort, do you smell polonium everywhere in your house?

Nah, of course you don't.

It's odorless.

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[ ABC News ]