Y'Ain't Ever Had Romance Until You've Met Barry, The Arby's Church DILF

It's like the Elf on a Shelf story, but different!

It's the Friday before Christmas, so why not how 'bout we get into the yuletide spirit with a tale as old as time, of romance and King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sliders and the Arby's gift cards that bring allllllll the boys to the yard?

If you've been on "the internet" this week, you might be familiar with the general bones (LOL "bones") of this story.

 There is a man, and he is named Barry Poyner, and he is a self-described "DILF." (If you don't know what that stands for, get offline and knit culottes for your cats, GRANDPA.)

Barry is also a church elder at the Kirksville Church of Christ in Kirksville, Missouri, which, as you might have guessed, is part of the Church of Christ. (Motto: Fags Are The Devil, And So Are Pianos! )

You know where this going. That's right, it's going through the drive-thru at the Arby's on the north side of Kirksville near the Home Depot, because hey, Barry the church DILF just met you (on Grindr), and this is crazy, but here is AN ARBY'S GIFT CARD, so please, male college student, order whatever you want, within reason!

In exchange for sex, obviously.

Barry has been charged with prostitution.

He got caught because he, who puts "DILF" all over his Grindr profile, because of how he thinks of himself as a "DILF," got hit up by a sexxxy undergraduate male who was actually the Kirksville police. He said he'd fill up the officer's tank. (WITH GASOLINE, you perverts!) He said he "might throw in an Arby's card LOL."

LOL.

So they were going to meet up and whatever, but instead the officers pulled a "Hi I'm Chris Hansen" traffic stop and he ran away and blah blah blah, you've seen the show.

"DILF" eventually agreed to meet the undercover officer at a local gas station to provide the fuel before the sexual favors. "DILF" provided his location, which matched Poyner's address, and Poyner then arrived at the gas station. He attempted to flee the scene when officers approached his vehicle, but pulled over several blocks later.

Documents state Poyner told officers he "was not doing anything with a minor." When an officer said the situation had to do with offering payment for sexual favors, Poyner said he "was not going to do that" and "I was going to give him some gas."

The Kirksville Daily Express does not specify whether Officer Hot College Guy ever actually procured an Arby's gift card from Barry the Church DILF, or if so, what Officer Hot College Guy got at the Arby's or whether he got extra sauce. But maybe .

Did we mention Barry the Arby's Church DILF is also a professor at Truman State University? He is also that. He is a professor of "communication." Except for he is currently "suspended."

Oh yeah, and he could spend some time in jail if convicted.

And well ... if he ends up in prison, we are just guessing some Arby's Gift Cards might could end up expiring, and then nobody will get to experience the romance that happens when a male college student meets a Church DILF on Grindr and gets free Arby's out of the deal. (The deal is giving blowjobs to the Church DILF or, you know, whatever.)

OK well merry Christmas, everyone, goodbye!

[ Kirksville Daily Express ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE! 

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.