Your Aborted Baby Will Go To Heaven And Play Harps For Huggy Jesus

come give daddy some sugar

It must have been tough to make fun of televangelists on the regular back in the day. You could probably only watch three or four of them a weekend, tops, before you'd get blackout drunk or blow your brains out. Plus you'd probably have to stay up super late to catch the reaaaalllly weird ones that only came on around 2 am. In the modern era, however, there are one million low-rent televangelists on cable and YouTube and podcasts and whatever, and there are one million people scouring the media to find gems like one Jesse Duplantis, toiling away at Covenant Church in Destrehan, Louisiana. Pastor Duplantis has some ... interesting ... ideas on what happens to our corporeal bodies once we are Heaven sent. Hint: it involves a lot of hugging .

"Can we touch Jesus? Yes," he said. "Can we actually go up to him and hug him? Yes! And can we speak to him? Yes! That's what's so wonderful about Heaven. We can't do that now in what I call these Adam-like bodies here, these natural bodies, but you will be able to come up to him and hug him and just bless him."

What is with evangelists and their weird need for Buddy Jesus? Now he can't just be your cool pal that helps you be real good at football. No, he also has to be your hug buddy. Heaven is just one big puppy pile with Jesus at the bottom.

But what if you are a sad aborted baby who never got to grow a body? Never fear. You get to go to Heaven too.

"God don't lose babies, even aborted babies -- if the world don't accept them, God accepts them and brings them in the very presence of who he is. It's going to be a wonderful time."

Is there anything more down-home cornpone bullshit-sounding than "God don't lose babies"? Probably not.

But how, you ask, does Pastor Duplantis know the aborted babies will be in line to snuggle Jesus? Well, because he flew to heaven and saw them, of course.

God takes him into heaven for a personal meeting (which lasted, according to Duplantis, for exactly five hours and fifteen minutes in August 1988). [...] Jesse met the souls of aborted foetuses. It turns out that these go to heaven, where they grow up.

They grow up and, per Duplantis, THEY CARRY TINY HARPS. Of course they do. Thank god they grow into actual children first, though. It would be awful hard to play a harp if you were just a clump of cells or the remains of a D&C. See? God don't lose babies after all. He just turns them into tiny harp-playing huggers. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

[ Crooks and Liars / Patheos ]