You're Going To Be So Drunk By The End Of All The State Of The Union Responses

Did you already check out our handy guide to what time and where the State of the Union is on and what you should drink? Were you feeling like you could probably manage those rules for an hour or two days or however long it is that Barack is going to talk at you? Well, you are a damn fool for thinking you would get out of the SOTU jungle alive, because there are going to be so many prebuttals and rebuttals and sur-rebuttals that you will be doing shots until the break of dawn. Sorry about your liver! Blame the GOP.

As we write this, there are no fewer than four separate responses planned. FOUR. Plus at least one by a non-Republican, unless Roseanne Barr has gotten even weirder lately.

The official GOP response is from a lady, Cathy McMorris. The first lady in a decade! (No, it's not another patented "Wonkete does not know what the fuck it is talking about" moment; Michele Bachmann Talks To Invisible People was the Tea Party response.) Designed to appeal to ladies! Except that she's so unknown that places like TIME had to do a "who exactly is this lady" sort of thing. She's from Washington state. She's a Republican Congressperson. She's a lady. We, of course, wrote about her delivering the offical response ages ago. She's old news.

So what's the new hottness? Is it Mike Lee? Is it Rand Paul? No, no, no, we already told you about them too. The latest and greatest SOTU response, the one that is so cool it isn't even out on vinyl yet, only cassette, and you wouldn't have heard of it anyway, is going to come from Florida ladyperson Congressperson lady Ileana Ros-Lehtinen. While everyone else is struggling to get up to date on this new ladyperson, we are the arbiter of all coolness, and we talked about her a long damn time ago. SPOILER ALERT: she is not a nice lady!

Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL) defeated a bill Thursday evening that would have committed the United States to combating forced child marriages abroad, by invoking concerns about the legislation’s cost and that funds could be used to promote abortion.

Hrmm. Not exactly the lady-friendly outreach the GOP is hoping for, probably. Doesn't matter, because all the ladies are going to be listening to the most recent entrant in Everybody Gives a Response Sweepstakes, Roseanne Barr, who tweet-yelled at the world that she will be giving a response also, too, over at HuffPost Live.

OK, to be honest, we'll probably watch that one, because her promised contents are "debt slavery the fed drug wars banksterism NSA guantanemo Obama minimum wage." Riveting! Completely comprehensible!

Maybe you should start feigning illness at your job yet this afternoon, because you probably won't be in tomorrow after you endure all these.

[ TPM / TIME /]