Pa Duggar Teaches Menfolk How Not To Be Gross Perverts Like His Son Josh
ALL THE DUGGAR SEX FACES.
Being a grown-up fundamentalist Christian man is tough, you guys. You try to stay on the straight and narrow, bein' real good and Christ-like as you teach everybody how to hate the gaygenders at your Family Research Council hate group job, but then you leave work and OOPS, your Duggar bits just fell into some porn star ladies, and now you are in sex rehab for Jesus and one of the porn star ladies is suing you, and just OMG THANKSGIVING IS RUINT.
Well, praise Jesus, because Jim Bob Duggar knows how to keep your wangdoodle sparkly pure and clean for Jesus and your broodmare wife, and he is sharing some of his Just The Tips with a hungry nation.
How to Duggar-bone your lady and make Jesus smile at the same time
None of the Bad Duggar Times would have happened if Michelle Duggar hadn't sinned just like Eve in the Garden of Eden, except where Eve eated the bad fruit because the serpent fooled her, Michelle eated birth control like a common whore, and God had to punish Jim Bob and Michelle, for #ladysins:
When Michelle and I first married, we thought we might have one or two children. Four years into to marriage, we had our first child. After that, Michelle went back on the birth control pill. She ended up getting pregnant while on the pill and had a miscarriage.
We were so grieved. We did not know that sometimes the pill allows you to get pregnant but then causes a miscarriage. We thought we could set our own timetable for having children, for example- when we were "financially able," or when we "had all our ducks in a row."
Silly Duggars, trying to only whelp children when they could financially support them! How is that a thing that pleases Jesus? We bet they cry a lot when they talk about all those times they did the Bad Fucks, the ones that were just for fun and "O" Faces, and Jesus wasn't even invited to put babies inside Michelle mid-coitus. They probably even did mouthsex to each other's Duggar holes, oh God, we just grossed OURSELVES out.
Anyway, we all have regrets. Jim Bob says they prayed to Jesus and learned how to accept the "gifts" Jesus gave them for doing the good fucks. Sincerely, your brother in Christ, Jim Bob Duggar.
Seriously, that's the whole letter? Get off the pill and bareback each other like common Bristol Palins?
Well, that's the only part that comes BEFORE the "Sincerely, Jim Bob" part. There's a "P.S." that's, like, as long as the letter itself. First of all, you should ask forgiveness for all the bad things you've done, and also request that Jesus Take The Wheel. Once that's completed, you make a special Prayin' Time with your ladywife at least once a day, during which you keep your hands where Jesus can see them, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
Here's the part where it's like "Oh, and this is how not to be a nasty-ass scum pervert like my son, Josh":
Start protecting your family by removing books, magazines, television, or internet that have worldly or sensual content.
UH HUH, because you remember what happened when Josh Duggar was allowed to watch secular TV and got his very own AOL account. That modem dialed up and beep-beep-beeped him right into Bone Town, with ladies what were not his wife. We don't know what books Pa Duggar had to remove from the Duggar manse to keep Michelle from being tempted by strange dick, but we're going to guess it was 7000 sticky copies of the Kama Sutra, a subscription to the Oprah magazine, and maybe a Joan Didion title.
But now that you've repealed all the tempting stuff like encyclopedias with diagrams of human genitals, it's time to REPLACE it with good stuff:
Replace them with good things like wholesome music, biographies of great Christians, good old-fashioned family fun and games.
See? Biographies and Scattergories, that's all you need to keep you from slip 'n' sliding your way into forbidden poontang. Maybe a bunch of pots and pans for the ladies to toss around in the backyard, the way they do at Ma and Pa Duggar's family-friendly Christian sleepaway "spice up your marriage" diddle camp. (Reminder: Playing Hide-And-Seek is forbidden in the Duggar bible, because Josh's fingers are so good at hiding, it's not fair to the other kids. Like REALLY unfair to the other kids.)
Follow these rules and you will never have an erection again, except for when Jesus gives it to you, AS A GIFT.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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