Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn't Start The Fight, They Just Finished It
More details continue to emerge regarding theGreat Big Palin Brawl of '14. We aren't going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of lesser mortals at a Sept. 6 birthday party in Anchorage, apparently because Track Palin took exception to the presence of a former boyfriend of young Arbor Day Palin.
With no video having emerged (should that change, we may just rethink our position on the existence of a loving and merciful God...or at least Loki), there is still a fair amount of uncertainty about exactly what happened. Sarah Palin reportedly wore American Flag platform shoes and screamed "Don't you know who we ARE?!" and then the whole crew piled into a stretch Hummer and roared off into the night like an eldritch abomination spritzed with holy water. That part we are completely sure happened.
New details oozed out Sunday, from a "source close to the Palin family" who spoke to Real Clear Politics. Make your best guesses in the comments! From what we can tell, pretty much everyone in the Greater Anchorage Metro Area is "close" to the Palins whether they want to be or not. This new version also has Track as the first person involved in the fight, only he didn't take the first swing. Instead, in this Hillbilly Rashomon retelling, Larch Palin's former boyfriend tried to weasel his way into Clan Palin's stretch Hummer, following some "questionable behavior," which was left undefined. We're guessing maybe he tried to use Standard English or a fork to put food in his face -- something really out of line.
The source said four men then began fighting with Track, after which Todd Palin intervened and ended up bleeding from the fight. The source also said Track Palin ended up with four cracked ribs.
Also too, the source said NO WAY did Bristol punch some dude with "a particularly strong right hook," as initially reported by Amanda Coyne, because, the jury will note, Bristol Palin is left handed! We'll let you guys come up with a Johnnie Cochran acquittal rhyme for that one.
And finally, this new source says that Sarah was not screaming "Don't you know who we are?" but rather was screaming a patriotic defense of her son, Track, who was a Real American Hero. What she was actually yelling was "Don’t you know who he is? He’s a vet!" Which makes a lot of sense too; as everyone knows, vets get to do anything they want.
In other Palin Brawl Updates, we strongly recommend you go read Jean Devon's first plumbing of the depths over at The Mudflats, that utterly vital blog on Alaska Madness. She talked to someone who was allegedly there too! A taste, here, but you really should go enjoy the whole thing:
Reports have come in that Track got into a fight with an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. But according to my source, the initial fight started when Track and his buddy were aggressively pursuing… how shall I put this… “romantic relations” with some female guests. They were allegedly explicit and crude in their depictions of what they’d like to do with and to the ladies, expressing a desire to “bend them over on the lawn,” according to my source. Apparently the lawn was large enough to include places one could be “bent over.”
Hey. You guys wanted this… don’t look at me.
As Track and his companion were wooing the ladies with honeyed words, certain individuals took exception to it – namely the husbands of the women in question, whose presence right there with their wives the whole time was no deterrant to our confident and ambitious Casanovas from the Mat-Su.
Devon also has what may be the smartest career advice ever, and a way for a limo driver to escape Anchorage should he/she want to: "Somewhere out there, a Hummer limo driver is sitting on a gold mine. Call TMZ, sir. Be a patriot. Call them now." Bravo. Also, she brings us this artistic interpretation of the melee, which we are officially in love with:
That there is like the Bayeux Tapestry of meth-fueled hillbilly grifter brawls.
If no video of this epic melee ever emerges, we'd like to suggest that people just start acting it out. It's what Fox would do. There's a video contest to be had here. Get your cameras and sets ready. Maybe you could do it with finger puppets? Or animate it with action figures, Robot Chicken style? We've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and we shouldn't just give it up because there's no fucking video.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.