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Has it only been five weeks since Bristol Palin threw the sucker punch heard round the world? Well the Anchorage Police Department finally has a police report and holy Mary Bristol mother of God baby or babies unknown, HOLY HELL! Read 'em and weep!


Malia Litman has the entire bloody mess of a drunken whoozit, and we have funtimes screenshots!

What up, po-po? Were Bristol and Track Palin stinking of booze and falling down all over themselves, and was one of them shirtless?

Bristol Palin, were you an innocent caught up in a tempest when a mean man started pulling you around the lawn by your legs, all while besmirching your honor as a slut? : (

Did another officer interview you and hear your heartbreaking tale of woe?

What up, everyone else who was at the party?

Hmmm, that guy sounds like a LIAR! From the PIT OF HELL! Surely everyone else corroborates Bristol's distressed damselness, correct?

Well, my goodness, after all of that, why weren't the Palins charged with assault?

Thank you for your service, Anchorage Police who talked the dude out of pressing charges in your "interview." We're sure WWF star and former vice presidential candidate for a "major" "political" "party" Sarah Palin will remember you when she takes the throne of Night-Lande after the zombies come.

Palin Brawl Police Report

[MaliaLitman; h/t Kay]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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BREAKING ACHTUNG EVERYBODY CRY AND PANIC AND HAVE ROLLICKING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING.

We don't know what the thing means yet, but we know that he gave the thing to Attorney General Bill Barr, who is presumably looking at the thing right now. Donald Trump is at Mar-a-Lago, so he does not have the thing, because NO THING FOR ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENTS. Studies show that according to sources close to the investigation who may or may not be close to the investigation, we might have some real information on what is inside the thing sometime this weekend.

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Whatcha doin' down there at Mar-a-Lago, Mister Normal President Of America?

OK ... huh?

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