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Don't worry! THIS time it'sonly a comedy video, and the kid was in on the whole thing.


Look, maybe would-be academical types will never get a tenure-track job at a major university, or even a minor one, and maybe the trend of hiring adjuncts instead of even offering tenure is continuing as the devaluation of PhDs continues, but that doesn't mean you can't get a fairly good job in higher education. Especially if you're looking for work in one of the two most rapidly growing job specialties on campus: Data analysts and campus cops. In fresh news from the College and University Professional Association for Human Resources (and who among us wouldn't proudly put a CUPAHR sticker on our car?), as reported by the Chronicle of Higher Education, we learn that hiring for campus police and public-safety job openings have skyrocketed from

1,077 to 1,403 positions at surveyed colleges from 2017 to 2018, an increase of 30-percent.

It's all pretty good news for dedicated, professional folks who don't mind showing up in social media posts after being called by panicky white people to investigate a black grad student napping in the common room of her own goddamned dormitory, or maybe called to check out dangerously non-white Native American teens on a campus tour they had signed up for but joined late. (They were also not willing to shout out answers to the white lady who demanded they explain themselves, as terrorists and well-behaved Native American kids sometimes do).

Mind you, in both of those cases, the campus cops were mostly just doing their jobs, fairly professionally, and both universities apologized for the incidents, which were precipitated by nervous white people. "Dealing with panicky whites" would definitely be a valuable job skill, as would not being a panicky white. Especially considering the potentially lethal consequences of the latter, like that time when a University of Cincinnati campus cop killed an unarmed black motorist during a traffic stop, then, after two juries deadlocked in his murder trials, had the charges dropped and collected a $350,000 settlement for getting fired. That's pretty unusual, though, so prospective campus cops shouldn't go counting their settlement money before shooting an unarmed black guy.

Other important skills include making sure the black kids you pull your gun on are not the offspring of New York Times columnists, being photogenic enough to become a meme after you casually pepper-spray protesters, and occasionally arresting dipshit columnists for the Gateway Pundit after they assault students for taking their speeches away. You won't find thrills like that in data analysis, we can assure you.

Luckily, you won't have to remember what Henry Louis Gates looks like, since he was arrested by a city cop from Cambridge, not a Harvard campus cop, hooray!

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[Chronicle of Higher Education]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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