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After a grueling week for the GOP that included devastating testimony about Donald Trump's impeachable crimes, and also a very embarrassing loss in the Louisiana gubernatorial election, it was time to try to spin a new narrative ahead of a new week. What we got instead was stupidity at every level of the GOP congressional ladder, as demonstrated on this week's Sunday shows, which we watch so you don't have to.


We start with House Minority Whip Steve Scalise. Appearing on "Fox News Sunday," Scalise fell into the same trap many of his colleagues have before: thinking Fox News is a "safe space," even when Chris Wallace is hosting.

Rep. Scalise defends Trump in fiery interview on impeachment www.youtube.com


WALLACE: If Gordon Sondland, who met with the president a half-dozen times during this Summer, testifies that "Yes, the president said to me we are not releasing the aid until they announce they are going to investigate the Bidens and Burisma [...] Doesn't [that] blow a hole in the president's defense?

SCALISE: Well, the president's defense is that those things didn't happen. And it's not just the president's word. President Zelensky himself said that the aid wasn't conditioned and there was no pressure. […]The real bottom line is he got the money. Ukraine got the money.

No no no no no no no. The "no pressure" and "Ukraine got the money" arguments are horseshit, because OF COURSE there was pressure, and Ukraine only got the money because Trump got caught.

Wallace pushed back against this oft-repeated talking point, noting that a dozen people listened in on Trump's Ukraine phone call (READ THE TREASNSDFPTTTRT!) and quite a few of them found it actually quiet crime-y.

Scalise then tried a very lame partisan defense:

SCALISE: Those were [House Intelligence Committee Chair Adam] Schiff's witnesses...

WALLACE: Wait a minute...No, sir, they are career foreign service officers and these are people who worked in the Trump administration.

SCALISE: But they are Schiff's witnesses...

WALLACE: Wait a minute, sir. You had a woman yesterday, who is in vice president Pence's staff and she said it was "inappropriate." You had Tim Morrison, who was on the NSC staff, who said that he—alarm bells immediately went off for him. Alexander Vindman immediately went to see—these are all people, you say they are Schiff's witnesses—they all were working in the Trump administration.

Scalise attempted to pivot to the whistleblower whose complaint began the impeachment inquiry, claiming the Intelligence community inspector general said the whistleblower had "political motivations." Wallace was not having that:

WALLACE: We are not talking about the whistleblower!

But just when you thought Scalise couldn't be scumbaggier, Wallace asked him about three members of the military that Trump decided on Friday to pardon after being accused or committing war crimes. After giving the statements from senior Pentagon officials saying "it would undermine the military justice system," Scalise sank to new depths:

SCALISE: Morale is much higher from troops I've heard from ...

I'm going to let Paul Rieckhoff, founder of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, express exactly how I feel about this.

Chickenhawks like Scalise always think real life works like an episode of "24." No wonder this is one of the idiots that led the charge into the congressional SCIF a few weeks ago.

Over on NBC's "Meet The Press", semi-sentient curdled Wisconsin cheese man Senator Ron Johnson wanted us to focus on the real villain of this whole ordeal: the anonymous whistleblower!

Full Johnson: Whistleblower Complaint Bad For U.S - Ukraine Relations | Meet The Press | NBC News www.youtube.com


JOHNSON: Most people wanted to support Ukraine. We were trying to convince President Trump. And so, the whole -- I mean, again, I listened to the Washington Post article lionizing this whistleblower. Listen, if the whistleblower's goal is to improve our relationship with Ukraine, he or she utterly failed […]

So ... it's the whistleblower who's hurting America and NOT the crime-committing occupant of the White House? Oh, but Johnson had more to add to this.

JOHNSON: Again, I'm sympathetic with president Trump, as he's been tormented from the day after he was -- the election.

Ah yes, poor Donald Trump. For he has endured a torture worse than John McCain in Vietnam. He's had to endure the slings and arrows of (checks notes) law enforcement as they (looks again) enforce the laws he keeps breaking. Why must Trump endure anything like he's a common criminal or migrant child? Truly it is Trump who is in need of "saving," Ron Johnson.

Giphy

Speaking of giving out "Carnation Evaporated dairy products" vibes, let's end on pair of Ohio GOP congressmen: Mike Turner and Jim Jordan.

On CNN's "State of the Union," Mike Turner, AKA every mediocre middle manager you've ever had, was confused about how witness intimidation works. After asking about Trump's tweets about Marie Yovanovitch DURING her public testimony, Jake Tapper had to explain it to Turner as if he was a child watching Impeachment "Sesame Street" (brought to you by the letter "T"):

TAPPER: But you do find it concerning that a witness in real time found the president's tweet to be -- quote -- "intimidating"? That is something that concerns you?

TURNER: It's certainly not impeachable, and it's certainly not criminal, and it's certainly not witness intimidation. It certainly wasn't trying to prevent her or would it have prevented her from testifying. She was actually in the process of testifying.

(CROSSTALK)

TURNER: But, nonetheless, I find the president's tweet unfortunate. I find the president's tweet unfortunate.

(CROSSTALK)

TAPPER: If a witness says she's intimidated -- if a witness says she's intimidated, how is it not witness intimidation?

Maybe Turner just wasn't listening, like he refused to listen to Yovanovitch during her public testimony:

The misogyny is strong in this Buckeye.... youtu.be

And what about Jim Jordan? He was an idiot on CBS's "Face The Nation". But since he just repeated the same talking points as all these other dipshits (only he repeated them FASTER), let's all just marvel at the fact that Jim Jordan learned to mimic a smile from the Ohio state amphibian: the spotted salamander.

Yep! Somehow Jordan still appears even slimmer that the salamander

Awwww, a cute animal picture! And also Jim Jordan. (Sorry.)

Have a week! See you need time for more Sunday shows, which we watch so you don't have to!

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Michael Mora

Pop Culture observer & Comics fan. Amateur Movie Reviewer. Political Freelance Writer @wonkette. Marine, Husband & Dad. Opinions are mine only.

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