Pastor Sure Government Is Fricasseeing Aborted Children With Guns, Or Something

so fashionable, so current, so now

We had to thumb back through the old Wonkette archives, getting virtual ink all over our fingers, to figure out if we had ever heard of this particular brand of gibbering idiot, evangelical edition. Weirdly, this is our first encounter with the banally named but oh-so-delightful Jim Hill. Pastor Hill hosts a little show called What Does the Bible Plainly Say?, and on Sunday, he dropped some truth bombs on us about ladies, 'bortions, gays, and, of course, guns. As the kids say, you should really watch the whole thing.

Haha that thing is over five minutes long. More than 300 seconds of unbridled, unhinged, unfettered Jesus-fueled id. You are not here to watch all of that. You are here to see us make fun of it. Where do we even start?

We'll skip over the gay stuff, because he just trotted out the tired old "Adam and Steve" trope. Pffft. And he thinks ladies who have babies out of wedlock are big ol' whores. Yawn. We can hear that shit from our uncle at Thanksgiving. Step up your game, Jim Hill. What do you think about abortion? 

"First thing they want to do is bash their brains out, cut their throat, chop them up like chopped liver or chickens, sell the parts," he asserted. "First think you know, they'll start selling everything but the crying. And they'll find a way for that."

"Fifty million babies have been killed and thrown in the garbage can and sold!" Hill exclaimed. "Shame on America. I tell you, I believe if he let's America get by then one of these days, he'll have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah."

Well, to be fair, we do indeed like to saute up those tiny little fingers for a quick snack when our energy flags late in the afternoon. The meat just falls right off the bones! But can you even blame us? We don't think our appetite for bite-sized child-derived snacks has really created a 50-million-baby-sized market, though we could be wrong.

We have no idea what Hill is on about with the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing. Is God going to have to apologize? Or we have to apologize? It seems kinda weird that a pastor would tell God what to be sorry for. Given that He's the Supreme Being and all, he might take offense at the likes of Jimmy boy telling him what to do.

Pastor Hill does, of course, have some equally compassionate and nuanced thoughts about guns in America. SPOILER ALERT: He's for them. Super duper for them.

"The Second Amendment gives us the right to protect ourselves. Protect us from who? Number one, the government! I'm afraid of my government, I'm scared of my government, I don't trust my government."

"I used to like it but I don't like it anymore," Hill lamented. "You know why? Because it's out to get me, it's out to disarm me, it's out to kill me, it's out to stop me from worshipping God."

The TV preacher encouraged his followers to "hang on" to their guns because it was the only way to stop the rapists and "whoremongers that want to storm in and take over your property, take over your family, kill your wife."

Yawn. We guarantee your family is not interesting enough to whore out, Jim. Wait. Are we the ones coming for your precious family, or is it the government? Jim's discourse is ... less than clear. That said, we do encourage bringing back the term "whoremonger," because that has been absent from American discourse for far, far too long.

[ Crooks and Liars ]