Pat Robertson: Beat Your Kids Until They Stop Smoking Dope And Start Loving Jesus
Sure, it's only January -- barely -- but it's never too soon to start worrying about how your godless heathen grandspawn will try to war on your Christmas. And how you can fight back!
Yes, we are shocked and amazed that "people" who are supposedly not interns on the 700 Club, no really, still write in to televangelist scamster and proud speed-racer Pat Robertson with very sincere questions for him to answer on behalf of Jesus Himself Christ, like how to get rich quick but without investing in baby-killing. (Answer: Invest in biblical oil!)
[contextly_sidebar id="p10ZBEL045kfIZIlZyKLQoGATXgCECjJ"]But on Monday's episode of the 700 Club, "Karen" was still quite distraught about how her offspring do not do Christmas right because they say bad words and get high on reefer, and she wanted Pat's Hot Take on what to do about that:
We declined going to our daughter’s house on Christmas this year because there is always an argument, hard feelings, et cetera. One grandchild comes high on marijuana, cursing and challenging our faith. I correct him and have told my daughter to ask him to respect our beliefs, but he keeps it up. Our daughter says she is a Christian but will drink too much and offend her daughter and her husband. Were we wrong not to attend another Christmas that leaves us upset or someone angry? I have shared my beliefs many times with them and am ridiculed by this grandson and son-in-law.
Good thing Pat has a direct line to God, because he's got the perfect solution.
"Somebody take that kid to the woodshed and let him understand the blessings of discipline," Pat says. "He needs a strong male figure. I don’t know about his daddy, where the daddy is -- "
This is not the first time Pat Robertson has suggested that doing some domestic violencing often cures the heathens among us, like uppity wives who won't shut their yaps. But as Pat’s hapless sidekick points out, Karen's daughter is also part of the problem. Pat will get to that in a moment, but first, some more thoughts about the pot-smoking grandson, who obviously needs a Real Daddy (and, we're guessing, NOT in the BDSM leather kind of way), but clearly he doesn’t have one because if he did, maybe he wouldn’t be smoking pot ON JESUS'S BIRTHDAY, fer Chrissake! [contextly_sidebar id="ZR3s2i4eqrxHyIW3RbqnbVMAn8XVdmr5"]Alas, without a proper dad around to beat the Jesus into him, he's clearly on the path to prison, what with the pot smoking and the smoking pot:
He’s going to wind up in a correctional institution, and the next thing you know, he’s going to be doing hard time in some prison. And then he would wish he wasn’t such a smart, you know, wise guy. Because he’ll be disciplined in a way that he’ll never forget in some prison. They’ll prey on some young kid like that. But he needs discipline in the worst possible way.
Haha, prison rape jokes! So good and so clever, Pat! And as for that lousy drunk daughter who is rude and un-Christlike and refuses to properly beat her son or get a Real Man to do it for her? Well, screw her is the answer, obviously, and her whole hell-and-or-prison-bound family.
"No, you don't have to go to Christmas," Pat assures Karen. "Why ruin Christmas and let some -- a lot of people like that get drunk and curse and abuse your savior?"
[Should we take a brief programming break to consider that "abuse your savior" sounds like a real naughty euphemism for doing sex to yourself? Obviously!]
"You don't have to go," Pat says again because sheesh, Karen, you idiot, why would you think Christmas is a time to be with your family? Where the hell did you read that? "You don't have to expose yourself to this kind of ridicule and torment. This is supposed to be a day of rejoicing, so go where people want to rejoice in the savior."
[contextly_sidebar id="eshp8kItJRBMu8FyYjqHGlqetYUmHlsg"]Good plan. If your family refuses to love the lord with nice sober words, and no one's around to give them some sweet sweet discipline, just stay home and "rejoice in the savior" in your own special way. Maybe with some scented candles and a little mood music and a bubble bath. For Jesus.