Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

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Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertsontook a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works?


A viewer wrote with this plea for help with a husband who seemed to want a cookie every time he lifted a finger around the house:

“[M]y husband has always felt the need to point out when he helps with chores around the house,” the woman explained. “When he washes the floor, or does anything else, he always says, ‘Remember, I did that for you.’”

The viewer argued that her husband should stop viewing chores as a favor.

“I feel since we both live in the same house, he isn’t only helping me but the family,” she said.

Now, you might think that Robertson would back her up with some sage reminders about the value of work for its own sake, the satisfaction of knowing that he's pulling his weight around the house (which he probably isn't, anyway). Nah, the problem isn't that he wants encouragement, the problem is that she's not engaging in her wifely duties the way she should:

“Here’s the deal,” he said. “You’ve got to understand the male psyche. The male wants to do something for his wife. He wants to provide for his family, he wants to provide a home, he wants to provide shelter, and food. That’s what he feels his male obligation is. And when he cleans up, it’s saying, I love you.”

“And you’re supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful, and I love you too,’” the evangelist continued. “Instead of that, you’re saying, ‘We’ve got a deal. We have a partnership.’ Now, do you want to have a loving, warm, sensuous, exciting marriage or do you want to have a partnership? And would you like to have a business relationship with your spouse? And that’s what you’re asking for.”

We suppose Robertson's vision of connubial bliss would rule out any games where he leaves her twenty dollars on the nightstand, smacks her ass, and calls her the best ho ever.

Robertson couldn't drop the Incredibly Uncomfortable Whiteperson Sexxy Talk, either. When his co-host Terry Meeuwsen laughed at the situation, looking into the camera and thanking her husband for doing the dishes, Robertson let her know that a smile into the camera wasn't going to cut it:

“He’s saying, I love you! Each dish, he’s saying, ‘Terry, I love you.’ If you understood that, you'd say, ‘Darling, I’ve got a treat for you… wait until we get behind closed doors, and you see the treat I have for you.’”

Fine, whatevs, just as long as he doesn't mess up the sheets.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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