It's time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn't exist! What's wrong, "Elizabeth"? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn't even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these "Jesus is imaginary like Santa" ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into!

“Pat, I am very concerned because this past weekend my 6-year-old grandson said his dad told him God and Jesus were not real and were just made up to scare people about dying,” a viewer named Elizabeth explained to Robertson in an email.

Elizabeth said that she tried to “explain the truth” to her grandson but he wouldn’t believe her.

“I’m worried for my grandson’s soul,” she wrote.

[contextly_sidebar id="P2lBUtC81iZKf1FhkmiR0LF57Rp2H3g7"]

Aw, this is sad, and not just because "Elizabeth" probably isn't real and therefore has no family. She's worried she won't get to do Heaven with her little 6-year-old grandson, because he is a hellspawn heathen. :(

Save her, Pat Robertson!

"If there's any way you can get the child away from that ..."

Cohost lady has to cut in here to remind Pat that the "that" he is referring to is the child's father, and we're pretty sure that it's against the 700 Club's version of the Commenting Rules For Radicals for Pat Robertson to recommend kidnapping. START OVER:

"If there's any way you can get him enrolled in a Christian school or get him into some, you know they have daily vacation Bible school and things, or youth group, there are all kinds of things you could do to kinda get him into some positive influences."

That's right, UNDERMINE THE PARENTS. Without getting into detail, let's say that if "Elizabeth" is reading this (and why not, if she's Pat's fake emailer, she can be Wonkette's fake reader too!), we know from personal experience that this is a recipe for getting cut out of your grandson's life. Grandparenting is a PRIVILEGE, not a right.

Anyway, cohost lady has another idea:

"You know what another thing that would be great for her would be Superbook."

Now, you are thinking probably, what in the Sam Fuck is a "Superbook"? GLAD YOU ASKED! It's a series of time-traveling Jesus robot Bible stories, for kids, and it has DVDs and an app you can download on your Obamaphone, and wouldn't you know, it's exclusively marketed by the Christian Broadcasting Network!

Don't you want to watch the trailer for Superbook? Let's DO IT!

Anyway, that's just real good advice, because the parents probably won't have a CLUE Grandma "Elizabeth" is giving their child time-traveling Jesus Robot DVDs, especially not when the kid says, "Dad, Grandma is trying to indoctrinate me with that Jesus bullshit again." And he won't get in trouble for saying the "BS" word that time, because his parents are even more exasperated than he is, and Grandma "Elizabeth" is REALLY pushing it, and if she does this one more time, she gets to never see her grandchildren again, THANKS PAT ROBERTSON.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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