Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

It's time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn't exist! What's wrong, "Elizabeth"? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn't even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these "Jesus is imaginary like Santa" ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into!

“Pat, I am very concerned because this past weekend my 6-year-old grandson said his dad told him God and Jesus were not real and were just made up to scare people about dying,” a viewer named Elizabeth explained to Robertson in an email.

Elizabeth said that she tried to “explain the truth” to her grandson but he wouldn’t believe her.

“I’m worried for my grandson’s soul,” she wrote.

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Aw, this is sad, and not just because "Elizabeth" probably isn't real and therefore has no family. She's worried she won't get to do Heaven with her little 6-year-old grandson, because he is a hellspawn heathen. :(

Save her, Pat Robertson!

"If there's any way you can get the child away from that ..."

Cohost lady has to cut in here to remind Pat that the "that" he is referring to is the child's father, and we're pretty sure that it's against the 700 Club's version of the Commenting Rules For Radicals for Pat Robertson to recommend kidnapping. START OVER:

"If there's any way you can get him enrolled in a Christian school or get him into some, you know they have daily vacation Bible school and things, or youth group, there are all kinds of things you could do to kinda get him into some positive influences."

That's right, UNDERMINE THE PARENTS. Without getting into detail, let's say that if "Elizabeth" is reading this (and why not, if she's Pat's fake emailer, she can be Wonkette's fake reader too!), we know from personal experience that this is a recipe for getting cut out of your grandson's life. Grandparenting is a PRIVILEGE, not a right.

Anyway, cohost lady has another idea:

"You know what another thing that would be great for her would be Superbook."

Now, you are thinking probably, what in the Sam Fuck is a "Superbook"? GLAD YOU ASKED! It's a series of time-traveling Jesus robot Bible stories, for kids, and it has DVDs and an app you can download on your Obamaphone, and wouldn't you know, it's exclusively marketed by the Christian Broadcasting Network!

Don't you want to watch the trailer for Superbook? Let's DO IT!

Anyway, that's just real good advice, because the parents probably won't have a CLUE Grandma "Elizabeth" is giving their child time-traveling Jesus Robot DVDs, especially not when the kid says, "Dad, Grandma is trying to indoctrinate me with that Jesus bullshit again." And he won't get in trouble for saying the "BS" word that time, because his parents are even more exasperated than he is, and Grandma "Elizabeth" is REALLY pushing it, and if she does this one more time, she gets to never see her grandchildren again, THANKS PAT ROBERTSON.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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