Next time, can we not put a pathetic black hole of need for constant affirmation in charge of the country?

The New York Times has the humiliating tick-tock on President Trump's announcement and immediate cancellation of plans to throw out the first pitch at a Yankees game. Or should we say "announcement" and "cancellation," since the plan never actually existed.

Apparently, Donald Trump, a grown-ass man who lives in the White House and can launch nukes at will, got so jealous of the hype around Dr. Anthony Fauci throwing out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals last week that he spontaneously announced that he would be throwing out the first pitch for the Yankees. So there!

When the Washington Nationals announced that Fauci would be throwing out the first pitch at Thursday's season opener against the Yankees, it was widely seen as a snub of the president, who was booed by the team's fans last year when he attended the World Series. So Trump took revenge by getting rid of fans entirely with his spectacularly bungled coronavirus response. And even that wasn't enough for President Counterpuncher.

"Randy Levine is a great friend of mine from the Yankees," Trump said on Thursday as Fauci was warming up. "And he asked me to throw out the first pitch, and I think I'm doing that on Aug. 15 at Yankee Stadium."

And by "I think I'm doing that," he meant "I hate sharing the limelight, so I'm going to bigfoot Fauci's moment by making shit up again." Both the White House and Yankees organization were taken completely by surprise, since no invitation had ever been discussed.

According to the Times, Randy Levine, president of the Yankees, had issued a "longtime standing invitation" to Trump, but there were no plans for August 15.

Or at least no plans that involved the Yankees. Trump hadn't even consulted his own calendar before blurting out his intention to snatch the baseball at the Yankees-Red Sox game, leaving his minions scrambling to decline the non-existent offer because the president has a date to wash his hair that day.

Just kidding. On August 15, the president will be busy hoovering up cash and spreading disease in the hinterlands. Allegedly.

This weekend, after playing yet another round of golf at his own club, the president took to Twitter to beg off his "date" with the Yankees because he'll be too busy curing COVID.

Props to the Times for pointing out that the president is "using a racist name for the coronavirus." And mad props to Trump, for pre-programming another lousy media cycle for himself when someone points out that the president is doing a fundraiser instead of "meetings on Vaccines, our economy and much else" on August 15 and we all circle back to this story.

Nine dimensional chess!

And PS, Fauci had the last laugh, since his baseball card set an all-time print run record.

Womp womp.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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