Paul Manafort Probably Going To Jail Friday, So HAHAHAHAHAHA

We're probably going to experience SO MUCH JOY this coming Friday around 10 AM Eastern, and you know why? Here is why:

RUH ROH! Special counsel Robert Mueller filed early last week to have Paul Manafort's bail agreement revoked, and then hit him with a superseding indictment late last week, adding witness tampering charges and conspiracy to obstruct justice charges, so it's pretty clear Mueller would like Manafort to GO TO JAIL until his trial, at which Manafort will be found GUILTY LIKE A GUILTY DOG and will get to go to prison until the day he dies, at which point the Lord Jesus will find him GUILTY OF BEING A BAD MAN HIS WHOLE LIFE and he will go to hell, the end.

Considering how this is all going before Judge Amy Berman Jackson, who has had little patience for Manafort's bullshit in the past, we reckon Mueller will get exactly what he wants, unless Manafort somehow manages to flee to his motherland Russia in the next couple of days. As Renato Mariotti and Alex Whiting explain at Slate, the motion for revocation of Manafort's bail agreement faces a pretty low standard of probable cause for the judge to determine whether Manafort is probably a big witness tamperer, Having a grand jury indictment saying he most certainly did tamper with witnesses just makes Mueller's case more airtight. They note that Manafort's lawyers will have the fool's errand of having to try to tell the judge that their client definitely for sure won't commit any more crimes if he's allowed to stay free, and they will have to do this without LOL-ing.

It's not that Manafort's lawyers have no rebuttal to speak of -- they filed one on Friday night! Unfortunately, one of its primary arguments seems to be that the judge never said "NO TELLING WITNESSES TO LIE" in her orders, therefore it's unfair to get mad at Manafort for immediately contacting witnesses and telling them to lie. We wish we were shitting you right now:

Importantly, the Court's Release Order does not order Mr. Manafort to "stay away" from any individuals, nor is a "do not contact" list attached to the Release Order, because there is no basis for imposing such conditions.

Hell, nobody ever told Paul Manafort specifically not to become a Russian agent (allegedly) and help a hostile foreign power steal democracy and give it to Donald Trump, so he probably shouldn't be held accountable for anything like that either.

The rest of the filing from Manafort's lawyers can be summed up as "NUH UH!" and "PSHAW!" and lastly, "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?" It is a very bad filing.

Point is, it's possible Manafort stays out of jail come Friday, we guess, but probably not.

Say your prayers for his hasty jailing!

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[Manafort filing]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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