pAUl mANAfoRT dIdN't hEArt aTtACk hImSeLf

We haven't thought that much about Rick Gates lately, but he's been back there this whole time, cooperating with the feds in multiple investigations like his former boss Paul Manafort did not. Anyway, Gates was sentenced to 22 weeks of Sundays and 23 weeks of Saturdays in prison today, even though he cooperated very goodly.


Huh. Well, we could think all day and not find anything appropriate to say in such a time as this. Don't die, little buddy! You still got lots of secrets to tell, not that you're probably ever going to spill it, lest Putin's boys decide to take a voyage to America to do the Clinton Body Count to you, allegedly.

Anyway, Rick Gates, though! He was sentenced to 45 days in prison, but only on the weekends, which really blows when you think about it. "Enjoy freedom, dickhead! You know, except all the good parts of freedom, by which we mean the weekends. Mondays, you're good to go, though!" He also has to do three years of probation, 300 hours of community service, and pay 20,000 moneys as a fine, according to Politico's Darren Samuelsohn, who was in the courtroom and filed a report. This despite how both sides said he should only get probation, because of the part about how he cooperated very goodly. Indeed, he's still going to be cooperating, according to Molly Gaston, the government attorney who argued in court today.

Anyway, Paul Manafort, though! We still haven't thought of anything appropriate to say, but if one of Rudy Giuliani's Ukrainian chucklefucks is spotted anywhere near the hospital, WE ARE JUST SAYING that something stinky might be afoot.

Anyway, Rick Gates, though! As Samuelsohn reminds us, Gates pleaded guilty to lying to the feds, and also conspiracy against the United States. Forty-five days in the hoosegow seems not so bad for conspiracy against the United States, don't you think?

Anyway, Paul Manafort, though! Remember when he was in the middle of his trial and his lawyers were like, "Oh please no prisons! It will be very hard for Paul Manafort to go fuck himself with his gout foot if he is confined to prisons!" That was funny. Man, we are just like zero for five when it comes to saying appropriately kind things about Paul Manafort's current predicament.

Anyway, Rick Gates, though! One thing that came out recently that was VERY ODD about Gates's case is that, recently when his lawyers filed asking for no jail time, they noted that Gates cooperated very goodly even though he had been offered "assurances of monetary assistance" if he'd refuse to cooperate. FROM WHOM, we all wondered? We got an answer on that today, as Samuelsohn tweeted that Gaston stated that PAUL MANAFORT told Gates there'd be many moneys available to him if he'd just refuse to cooperate like a good little boy. And where would all that money come from? Oh who knows, but we're gonna guess Russia.

Anyway, Paul Manafort, though! They say he's going to get better probably and might get to go home (to prison) soon. So if this was really a pAUl mANAfoRT dIdN't hEArt aTtACk hImSeLf situation, whoever did the hit boned it right up.

Anyway, Rick Gates, though! At one point during the hearing today, Judge Amy Berman Jackson made the lawyers stand before her as she recited all the crimes of Rick Gates and Paul Manafort, and after doing so, said, "Those are facts. Those are not alleged facts. Those are not alternative facts." Sounds like at least one judge is through with these Trump motherfucking bullshitter Russia-adjacent shitsacks. Haha, just kidding, it's more than one judge.

Anyway, Paul Manafort, though! Uhhhhhh, just kidding, don't care.

Anyway, Rick Gates, though! This is how the hearing ended:

Oh wow, actual thoughts and prayers for Rick Gates's wife.

None for Paul Manafort, though. He'll either live or he won't.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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