Paul Ryan Considering Retiring, Just As Soon As He Makes It Impossible For Anyone Else To

And then he'll grow his beard back

Politico has posted a think-piece on Paul Ryan that pontificates vastly on all the ways one can tell that Paul Ryan does not even want to be the Speaker of the House any more. Mostly the way you can tell is because he has said so to a lot of the people in his "kitchen cabinet," and according to Politico, Paul Ryan will "retire," which is probably code for "running away 'cause the IronStache is gonna 'repeal and replace' him."

Man I love the IronStache, with his big man-gut, and ideas on minimum wage and healthcare, and those kind eyes, and ... I'm sorry what were we talking about?

Oh right, Paul Ryan is supposedly saying "quietly" that he is quitting, most probably after the election in 2018. And you should know that now, so when it starts to look super bad in the polls for Paul Ryan, you will already understand that this was his plan all along. In fact, Paul Ryan never wanted to be the Speaker of the House ANYWAY. "He told his predecessor, John Boehner, that it would be his last job in politics — and that it wasn’t a long-term proposition." (Which, we assume, made John Boehner cry.) But in the meantime, the Republicans NEEDED Paul Ryan and his keg-drunk theories on Ayn Rand to pass the goddamned tax bill that up till this very week has been the driving force behind the GOP's support for everything from Trump's insanity to a (credibly accused) Alabama pervert (WHO LOST AND SHOULD JUST GO AWAY ALREADY).

So now Paul Ryan has one more year before he supposedly retires. But before he does, he wants to make sure that anyone else who thinks they too might retire also knows that they will not be "entitled" to any of that stupid Social Security or Medicare they paid into the system for all those years. He also faces an onslaught of what Politico calls "cannot-fail bills" wherein Paul Ryan must:

fund the government, raise the debt ceiling, modify spending caps, address the continuation of health-care subsidies, shell out additional funds for disaster relief and deal with the millions of undocumented young immigrants whose protected status has been thrown into limbo.

That sounds like a lot. I mean, who gets into government to keep it open, "shell out" money to Puerto Rico, or save DACA kids from being deported? Especially when, as Paul Ryan has figured out, that will require working with Democrats, for Christ's sake? Not Paul Ryan. But, Politico also points out repeatedly that Paul Ryan has "fund-raising prowess" (hence the tax bill) and "deal-making leverage" to worry about so he can't be some kind of lame-duck Speaker and fight with the Freedom Caucus, who have started "making noise about a mutiny," so when he was asked at a press conference this morning if he was quitting, "Ryan shot a quick 'no' over his shoulder as he walked out of the room." Paul Ryan is so cool.

There is a pretty interesting rehash of how much Paul Ryan also hates Donald Trump, and how working with Trump has ruined what Ryan thought would be his new brand if Hillary Clinton (who Paul Ryan also "could not stomach the idea of working with") had won. His whole plan was to be a "happy warrior" for conservatism, wherein he could nicely take away all the popular, life-saving social safety nets with a smile on his face instead of having to do it with the "negativity" of "Trumpism." But, as John Boehner, presumably through tears, explained, since Trump did win (the electoral college):

Chasing his legislative dreams would require keeping his criticisms of Trump to himself. "You can’t create a sideshow, even if there’s cause for a sideshow, because it’s going to get in the way of getting the big things done," Boehner told POLITICO Magazine of Ryan’s approach to Trump. "Paul has got his head on straight. He’s very comfortable with who he is and what he’s got to do."

So Paul Ryan spent the year NOT reading Trump's tweets about the NFL, nuclear war, or what all Kirsten Gillibrand is willing to do for money. And he fought through the pain of telling Trent Franks that since he offered to pay staffers $5 mil to let him put a baby in them, he should resign. ("Two friends say Ryan was visibly shaken after demanding that Arizona Rep. Trent Franks resign his seat, telling them, 'I didn’t realize slitting throats was part of my job.'") And he does all of this so he may keep his eye on the ultimate prize of destroying Social Security, and making it impossible for poor or old people to go to the doctor, and then he is OUT OF HERE, BITCHES. Because that is who Paul Ryan is, and he is comfortable with that.


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