Paul Ryan Grabs His Ankles For GOP Wingnuts, Will Be Speaker Until They Kill Him Too
It's a shit job, but someone's gotta do it
A super SEXCITING thing happened on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Yes, Hillary Clinton became president during the Benghazi hearing, doy, but we're talking about the other sexciting thing: the end of Rep. Paul Ryan's political future!
Ryan had reluctantly agreed to run for speaker of the House, on the condition that the three main Republican caucuses -- the Tuesday Group ("moderate" Republicans, LOL); the Republican Study Committee (batshit crazy conservatives); and the House Freedom Caucus (BATSHIT CRAZY-ASS CRAZY CONSERVATIVES) -- line up and blow him. The House Freedom Caucus members met with him and decided to support him, but only if he agreed to their conditions that he back down, abandon his own conditions and, to quote ourselves, since we put it so eloquently the first time, "look like a giant fucking pussy."
Guess what Paul Ryan decided to do!
In a "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me" letter to his Republican colleagues Thursday, Ryan opted for "look like a giant fucking pussy":
I never thought I’d be speaker. But I pledged to you that if I could be a unifying figure, then I would serve—I would go all in. After talking with so many of you, and hearing your words of encouragement, I believe we are ready to move forward as one, united team. And I am ready and eager to be our speaker.
All the Republicans let out a sigh of relief that our long national nightmare of making them cry (literally, CRY!) because of how they broke Congress is over. Especially, we are sure, John Boehner, who has a hot date with a bottle of booze and a bucket of tears at the end of this month, which he can now keep, since he won't have to stick around Congress as interim speaker while his party desperately searches deep inside its own ass for the next leader.
Hell, Ryan even managed to get all 23 lady Republicans to fall in line and make him a sammich, with their lady votes. This isn't surprising, since GOP ladies are very good at doing what the menfolk want them to do -- except for that one time some of them demurely suggested a certain "prove you got yourself raped" amendment in an anti-abortion bill made them look like a bunch of lady-hating Republicans, so could we tone it down a tad, pretty please?
The ringleader of that rebellion, a certain Rep. Renee Ellmers who may or may not have been doing a SEX SCANDAL with House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, has been paying the price ever since, with the Republican extremists saying she is hardly even a Republican at all. And this whackadoodle broad Kay Daly is running against Ellmers in the Republican primary, from the right, which is physically impossible. But hey, that's what you get for being an uppity lady that ONE TIME, so now Daly is gonna hunt “RINO” Ellmers to death, with her boomstick.
Privately, we assume, the GOP ladies rolled their eyes at each other that not a single Republican colleague begged any of them to please save the party. Those GOP ladies are great for photo-ops, but come on, can't let them be in charge of stuff. Just think of the mess their dumb ladybrains would make!
And then, in response to Ryan's condition that he get weekends off to enjoy a work-life balance with his family that women get shat on 28 hours a day for wanting, they no doubt made the universal hand motion for JERK THIS, ASSHAT, before reluctantly writing their, “Uh, yay Ryan, we guess,” statement.
So, what happens now? The house is expected to vote on Oct. 28 to officially make Paul Ryan the next speaker, although given the way the this fall's hot new drama "As The House GOP Burns" has plot-twisted so many times already, we can't say for sure, until it actually happens.
And then Paul Ryan takes over the chaotic mess that is the House GOP, to do battle with the nihilists who want to burn the place down, as he learns the same real hard lessons that drove Boehner to drink (you know, more): those mofos be CRAZY, YO.
We give Ryan approximately six months before the House Freedom Caucus decides he's too RINO after all, and demands he also hightail it out of DC. Or at least resign the speakership. And after that? Well, good luck running for president one day, little fella. Heck, good luck getting anyone to sit with you in the congressional caf during snack time.
Enjoy your power while it lasts, Speaker Ryan.