Paul Ryan Is A Idiot, But Not Enough To Take Speaker's Job. Or Is He?
Out of the chaos in Congress, following Kevin McCarthy's decision to not become the most inarticulate speaker of the House ever (because SEX SCANDAL, allegedly), a consensus has strangely arisen as sometimes happens in Washington and the political Talking Classes, the way that suddenly all the lemmings start running toward the same cliff: Paul Ryan is the Great Pasty Hope, The One who was spoken of in prophecy, the only man who can possibly bring balance to the Farce. Maybe it's his good relations with both the establishment party and the teabaggers. Maybe it's his status as the last Young Gun standing. Maybe it's his midichlorian count.
There's this very sober thinky-piece in New York Magazine explaining why Paul Ryan can bring the feuding factions together, because "he perfectly combines ideological extremism with methodological pragmatism." He slobbers over Ayn Rand, wants to privatize Social Security, and knows that government exists to serve the One Percent, like Jesus wrote in the Constitution. But he's not a shouter; he's able to "[present] himself as a reassuring accountant figure with a pragmatic interest in bipartisan compromise and fiscal probity." So he's the guy to make it all work for the Republicans. It's all analytical and stuff.
Or if you want more straight-out offers of a handie for the Great Man, you could go with Joe Scarborough's man-o'-destiny schtick on Thursday:
"I never believe anybody is an indispensable leader," Scarborough said. "But I think for this time and this place, not only for the Republican party but also for the conservative movement, they can't afford to lose the White House for another eight years. Paul Ryan is gonna have to step up. Because there is nobody else in the caucus or in the party that could bring together the conservatives and also bring together the main street Republicans like Paul."
There's no such thing as an indispensable leader, and Paul Ryan IS that indispensable leader. Got it. He'll bind up the wounds, calm the waters, and cure the heartbreak of psoriasis. And by god, Ryan really can't just sit back and watch his party circle the drain like this:
"I respect Paul wanting to stay out of this race," Scarborough added. "At this point, I don't think it's up to Paul. He does not have the choice."
So far, Republicans have all been looking up and shouting "Save us!" and Ryan has looked down and whispered, "No." The man still wants to be president, and being speaker of the House of Loons doesn't strike him as a hot prospect, although now "top GOP sources" tell the Washington Post that maybe Ryan is softening, like a stool subjected to a really good suppository, and he's now giving serious thought to accepting the role of Temporary Savior for the House. Or maybe not, as this tweet from CNN's Jake Tapper suggested, just minutes before we posted this roundup:
So, let's take a look back at some Greatest Hits of the man who could magically make the House work for the first time in years, never mind the absolute determination of the GOP to never pass anything except repeals of Obamacare unto the next Millennium. We're pretty sure he'd be Terrible For America.
Paul Ryan Hates Social Security
No really, he hates it, and wants to privatize it, because the market is the best. And that idea kept making its way into Republican budget plans. Never mind that Social Security survivor benefits kept young Paul Ryan fed and clothed after his father died, which you aren't allowed to mention. For what it's worth, it turns out that the Olds don't much like Paul Ryan, either.
Paul Ryan Lies. A Lot.
We have a whole bunch of collections of his lies from the 2012 campaign, when Ryan was the running mate for some android we barely remember -- Zombie or Bender or Deckard or something like that. Later, in support of another of his never-passed budget proposals, Ryan fibbed about how Social Security works, so he could "reform" it.
But our all-time favorite Paul Ryan Lie was his story about a smart little welfare child who said he didn't want a free lunch on a cafeteria tray, he wanted a baloney sandwich in a paper bag, because people who REALLY love their children give their kids lunch in a paper bag, not welfare. We wanted spiritual nourishment and a stable family that reads the Bible together, not a handout, and this story was true because it was told to him by a lady who worked for Scott Walker and was real. Except that the story and the child were totally stolen from a book.
Paul Ryan Likes To Look Like He 'Cares'
Remember Dishwatergate, that fun time where Paul Ryan went to volunteer at a soup kitchen, and they got pictures of him washing dishes for the homeless, because private charity is Love and government handouts are Dependency? Except every reporter in the world noticed that the soup kitchen had already finished serving breakfast to the poor unfortunates, and Ryan was actually washing clean pots and pans. The soup kitchen objected to Ryan and his team swooping in and doing a photo-op without asking permission, and so, in a proud display of Republican logic, people started loudly canceling their donations to the soup kitchen, because they had politicized Paul Ryan's political stunt. On the plus side, Ryan was a real mensch for not punching a homeless guy.
There are many more things we could say about why Paul Ryan is A Idiot who should never be in a position of power, but suddenly we are run over by the memory of the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate:
It was epic, it was awesome, and all the wingnuts thought that Old Handsome Joe Biden acted like a "bully." Funny how that attempt at spin never took hold, huh?
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.