Super-Speaker Paul Ryan Says Soulful Goodbye To House, Just Kidding, He Sux


Outgoing House Speaker Paul Ryan said his goodbyes to Congress today after spending 20 years working tirelessly to steal from the poor and give to the estate of Ayn Rand. During a speech on the House floor, the soulless Men's Wearhouse model expressed gratitude to the people of Wisconsin's 1st District for always coming second to his billionaire donors. Ryan's tenure is only notable for the degree to which he buckled under completely to Donald Trump while making sad-eyed-doe faces about how hard it was to be blamed for buckling under completely to Donald Trump, so it's only fitting that he also took some time today to engage in the president's favorite pastime: making baseless accusations of voter fraud.

Before retiring to go hunt elderly Social Security recipients he's trapped on a private island, Ryan gave an interview with the Washington Post Live where he commented on the curb stomping Democrats delivered to Republicans in California. It was basically a slow-motion electoral poisoning, with one GOP representative after another clutching their throats and falling to the floor in a twitching heap. However, Inspector Ryan has examined the scene, sniffed a few wine glasses, and suspects ... foul play!

Considering his tenure as speaker, we see why he has trouble with the concept of "counting" "votes."

RYAN: "We were only down 26 seats the night of the election and three weeks later, we lost basically every California race."

That is suspicious! In fact, just the day before the election, you were up almost 20 seats. What skullduggery is this? Look, dumbass, an election took place and it takes time to count all the votes properly.

RYAN: This election system they have — I can't begin to understand what 'ballot harvesting' is.

People dunk on my girl Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for apparently fumbling "basic civics," but Mr. Fancy Pants Policy Wonk "can't begin" to comprehend something he could've easily Googled while waiting for his buddy Dana Rohrabacher to expire. "Ballot harvesting" is not like your blind date stealing your kidney after slipping something into your drink. It just means someone picks up your early mail-in ballot and drops it off for you. Despite the many legitimate reasons for doing this (disability, infirmity, etc.), Republicans think this practice is shady because it helps citizens vote.

Ryan then compared the election process for Wisconsin, a state with a population of six million, to that of California, which is almost 7 times larger.

"In Wisconsin, we knew the next day. Scott Walker, my friend, I was sad to see him lose, but we accepted the results on Wednesday," Ryan said. In California, "their system is bizarre; I still don't completely understand it."

California will count your absentee ballot if it's mailed by Election Day and arrives by the Friday after the election. Because this nation refuses to invest in time travel technology, preferring instead to tear gas children, it is literally impossible to know the results of most elections, especially close ones, on election night or even the next day. This isn't that difficult. The only thing that's "bizarre" or hard to "completely understand" is why you or anyone else would consider Scott Walker a "friend."

"The way the absentee-ballot program used to work, and the way it works now, it seems pretty loosey goose," Ryan said. "When you have candidates who win the absentee ballot vote and then lose three weeks later because of provisionals, that's really bizarre. I just think that's a very, very strange outcome."

Sweet fancy Moses! Is all that manly stubble somehow cutting off the blood supply to Ryan's brain? No candidate has won anything before all the votes have been counted. A team can be ahead the first quarter of the Super Bowl but if they have fewer points than the other team once the game is actually over, then they don't get a ring. Why do Republicans think that only the later ballots are the ones that are rigged?

You'll notice that honest people like Stacey Abrams object to officials -- especially one simultaneously running for governor -- making it more difficult for citizens to exercise their right to vote. People like Ryan are suspicious of voting in general, especially when they don't like the result.

"There were a lot of seats in California we should have won and we got massively outspent," Ryan said. "If you've got a couple of billionaires dropping $100 million on your head, that leaves a mark."

Maybe you think you should've won those seats, but the voters thought otherwise. That's how democracy works. And don't whine about "a couple of billionaires" dropping wads of cash on an election. You literally wear the mark of the Koch brothers. Ryan's spokesperson Jeremy Adler rushed out a statement insisting that Ryan "did not and does not dispute the results." That requires ignoring every word that came out of his mouth, which is probably not a bad deal. Good riddance, Mr. Ryan. Don't let the door hit ya...

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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