Paul Ryan To Yet Again Deny America His Sexxxy Presidential Embrace

We like him with the face hair, even though he done shaved it.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]As America has absorbed the prospect of being presidented by Donald J. Trump or Hillary R. Clinton or one of the other candidates, our nation has been weeping and wailing and begging Paul D. Ryan (the "D" stands for "Do you even lift, bro?") to please ride in on a white horse and heal us, by being our president. HAHA JUST KIDDING, that's not happening, but some Republicans have been kvetching and hee-hawing about how maybe if there is a brokered GOP convention, Ryan could be the one to save the Republican party forever and ever, amen.

There have been rumors of secret donor meetings! And rumors of how he's running a "parallel campaign"! And there was that thing that sort of looked like a campaign video, which made people kinda ????

But oh bother, looks like he's denying it again:

House Speaker Paul Ryan will hold a news conference Tuesday afternoon to again definitively rule out a White House bid this year, according to an aide.

Ryan will appear at the Republican National Committee's headquarters on Capitol Hill Tuesday at 3:15 p.m.

MMHMM OK ANYWAY, GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING, AMERICA. Probably throwing away all the panties you messed up getting 'scited about how maybe Paul Ryan would run for president.

You could have had this, America.

Hey, but chin up, America! Maybe Paul Ryan is lying AGAIN and he won't say that at his presser at all. Because remember how he said eleventythousand times that he didn't want to be speaker of the House, but then he was like "OK I will throw my legs in the air and be your speaker"? Maybe that is happening here and Paul Ryan will make sweet love to U.S. America and kiss it on the mouth, with either his bearded face or his shaved boy face, whichever America prefers!

ON THE OTHER HAND, he has all these "ideas" for what he wants to do as speaker, and he hasn't done them all yet.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]ON THE OTHER OTHER HAND, maybe he will finally get fed up with that terrible mean racist man Donald Trump, and step forward to be the non-racist, non-bigot candidate the GOP is just dying to have, because they're all such nice people.

ON THE FOURTH OR SIXTIETH OTHER HAND, maybe this article is right and he is not running for president this year, but in 2020 instead, after Donald Trump loses and Hillary wins in 2016. By 2020, America will probably be tired of Huma being the lesbian first lady and the way Hillary The Dictator forces all the schoolchildren to start every day by pledging allegiance to Benghazi, yeah?

Yeah that is probably actually what is happening, now that we think about it. Vote Paul Ryan in 2020, for the Republican president of capitalism and free market sexxxytime!


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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