President Whiny Ass Taking His Invisible F-35's And Going To France

As Trump's White House dealt with the fallout of more self-inflicted scandals, CNBC reported that Trump's military parade had shot higher than the Space Force for an estimated cost of $92 million. Since nothing says "America" like a large pile of burning money and jet noise, Trump threw a Twitter tantrum, swore up and down that HE canceled the parade, blamed "local politicians," and declared he was going to France instead. You know, for the troops.

Initial estimates put the cost Trump's military parade (for the troops) at $12 million. This was based off the last military parade in DC, after Poppy Bush spent a long weekend storming the deserts of Kuwait. At the time, Trump's math magician, Mick Mulvaney, said he'd seen estimates as high as $30 million. After the number crunchers inside the Pentagon finished slamming heads against their desks at the logistical nightmare of a reallocating a YUGE amount of military personnel, equipment, and weapons systems, they realized it would cost at a minimum $80 million more than the initial projections.

Shortly after the report, some crusty old coots in goofy hats began blubbering about how inappropriate it would be to #SupportOurTroops with a massive parade while our troops were literally just redeployed to Afghanistan to fight the War on Terror, now in its 17th year.

With criticism flooding in from military advocates, veterans groups, and a legislators who can check off both boxes, last night someone in the Pentagon started frantically pressing the panic button and ordered a tactical withdrawal of the parade plans, suspending them until 2019 at the soonest. Shortly after the story broke, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis denied the estimates, and said whoever leaked the numbers "was probably smoking something that's legal in my state, but not in most states." Mattis then criticized the reporter and said they should get better sources (since that's what this White House does to inconvenient news stories).

This morning, after the gang at "Fox & Friends" finished jerking off, Trump began shitposting on Twitter about how he canceled his military parade (for the troops), and is just going to somehow reappropriate money already allocated for his parade on more invisible jets ... and go to Paris. Or something.

Nevermind that the Pentagon has to eat at least $50 million dollars bringing in heavily armored fighting vehicles, like Bradleys, Strykers, M113's, and tanks. They also have to find helicopters, fighter jets, "historical aircraft," and shuffle active duty soldiers to populate the parade detail. Those Marines, soldiers, and airmen then need to be trained for this specific parade, and outfitted with uncomfortable shoes and dress uniforms. Oh, and there's still the cost of security, which means overtime for the alphabet soup of DC and federal cops, and the need to create "period clothing" for veterans groups and actors to commemorate "Armistice Day."

We're not even going to talk about how sacred Armistice Day was. We'll let Kurt Vonnegut do that.

Upon hearing Trump bitch and moan about how nobody wanted to let him play supreme leader and march a battalion down Pennsylvania Ave past his hotel, DC mayor Muriel Bowser tweeted that she was the "local politician" who shot Trump down Trump's dreams as it would cost the city $21.6 million dollars.

For roughly the same cost of putting on a parade so Trump can stand around swaying like an mindless elephant and rub his dick while soldiers are forced to salute him, we could build a brand new F-35, upgrade dozens of Humvees, or even fully equip over 5,000 US soldiers. Of course, and this is crazy, for another couple million we could actually fix some broken things, like the Veterans Affairs Administration, the Flint water crisis, or other badly needed infrastructure projects.

Here's a solution: how about instead of wasting almost $100 million dollars just to placate Trump's ego, we just give Trump some 3D glasses, blast some jet noise through strategically placed amps, and tell him there's F-35s flying around and doing tricks -- he just can't see them because they're invisible. And, why stop there? We could also say the Space Force is doing laps around the moon, and just show him a mash-up of NASA footage and 2001: A Space Odyssey. He'll never know the difference.


Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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